Wednesday, May 26, 2004
haven’t blogged in a while, have i?
What’s happened…basically spent most of my time preparing for the science fair judging, skipped lessons again. Went to church, tried to fix a friend a surprise template as a present but well. the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak (or rather, the brain is non- IT inclined lately). Going to BUTS with deen, hopefully, and oh, new track shoes finally. how lovely, they’re orange and white. Planning to buy bright orange laces to match. (not in chronological order…make that
not in order
That whole paragraph sounded terribly happy-ish and hyper. Why why why do i manage to sound like that even when I’m totally
not ?
And i am not anywhere near hyper of happy now. I just feel strangely dead, like, totally separate and disinterested in everything.
Like I’m falling, falling, falling, deeper within myself…and no one’s going to catch me cos they can’t even tell I’m falling.
People have an awful lot of faith in my personality. And no one sees beneath the surface, fortunately or otherwise. If they did..if YOU, dear reader who in all probability is one of those i call friend, they..you…would see that something’s not exactly right.
Don’t ask what, i have no idea. all i know is that there’s a strange scepter hanging over me, and i won’t be
me until it goes away
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Friday, May 14, 2004
It’s a good thing i ran today with sherrina…pumping adrenaline and all gave me a blast of happy hormones, otherwise i’d be in a terribly lousy mood right now. Tried reading BOP notes but distractions were all around, and i absolutely refuse to make any attempt at mugging for C maths tomorrow. Did finally finish GP though, at long last. After the shelling we got from LPS today…sigh. What is with her and our attitude/ not living up to our potential/ class spirit/ etc? And what exactly is her point in all the comparisons with her apparently perfect past classes? She and the class so do not understand each other – not a pretty sight.
There’s this thing going around on friendster..something about making a list of the 5 sweetest love songs you know or something, which i thought was interesting but gave up on because everyone was tossing out either Chinese or Jap ditties. (Watch the floating question marks) So I’m typing my list here…It’s not a list of sweet sappy songs or the best break up songs or whatever..well…i guess these are the five that fit my idea of what love is. plus a line or two. So here goes:
1)
I Believe blessed union of soul
I believe that love is the answer
I believe that love will find away
2)
Time After Time Cyndi Lauper
If you're lost you can look--and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
Time after time
3)
Breathing Lifehouse
I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what
I'm gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of grace..
4)
Sway Lisa Loeb
And here I go, losing myControl
I'm practicing your name
So I can say it to your face
It doesn't seem right
To look you in the eye
Let all the things
You mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth
Indeed it's time
Tell you why
I say it's infinitely true…
5)
1000 Oceans Tori Amos
These tears I've cried
I've cried 1,000 oceans
And if it seems I'm floating in the darkness
Well, I can't believe that I would keep
Keep you from flying
So I will cry 1,000 more
If that's what it takes to sail you home…
You know what, tag me with your lists too or something…i think it’s pretty cool. Would love to see if I’m the only incurable idealist around.
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Wednesday, May 12, 2004
We inhabit a dark universe, one in which we use the few moments of light we are given as points of reference.
I sometimes find myself overwhelmed by the awfulness and the pain that sometimes seems to prevail, and inevitably.
But I also seek to express the beauty..the brief moments of sight we are given..the surprising clarity of it all when we are delivered, momentarily, from the harshness and hopelessness of everyday existance.
Its so hard sometimes not to believe that life and existance are just spirals of meaningless-ness; that there really isnt any point to our presence on this earth, and that there's nothing really worth struggling through life for. Maybe that's true. Maybe we're just deceiving ourselves that there
is a point to all that we do. Maybe love and friendship are just illusions invented our brains so that humanity, in all its weakness, willnot have to face the awful truth of
nothingness
Stil I think, deep down inside, everyone's just looking for someone to rescue them, to help them rise above. Some (one??) of the most angsty people i know...one of the last people i thought would have been preoccupied with falling in love..well...surprisingly, is. And so, i guess, is everyone. iF there's no meaning to life as in LIFE, THE CONCEPT, then we must look within ourselves to give life meaning. This is the continuous and upward struggle of the searching soul.
Which is why so many of us strive so hard to find that special someone..a best friend, a soulmate, a lover, whatever..because having that
certain special someone around would rescue our own lives from loneliness and mediocrity..with these
certain special someones there is now something to live for. It is
love that illuminates, that shines light into our darkened lives, that brings the ultimate clarity.
the little prince: "
what is essential is invisible to the eye. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly "
And the time we have on earth may be short, but we live on for eternity in the gaze of those who love us.
and through it all,
i still believe in love
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Tuesday, May 11, 2004
SATs in the morning…utterly disgusting, and the hall was
too cold. Not good…don’t molecules stop moving or someth8ng at extreme low temperatures? Think that’s what was happening up in my brain.
brain cell 1: Hey you know..its cold..lets go huddle in a corner and go to sleep. brain cell 2: good idea!
Words like
vituperative, plutocracy, expedient did not help
And wheee…tpjc songfest in the afternoon I FINALLY saw Sam and gave her the long overdue Christmas squish and what do you know…i HAD to forget the card didn’t I…(what’s that i see scattered on the floor? what do you mean my
brain?
scatterbrain.
geddit? Scuse me..my midnight ramblings tend to sound like this.
Shall we say i fell in love with
1) The reuben studdard band that sang purest of pain with the malay drum thingie…oh man. i was practically tearing
2) The pple that did “Breathing” but didn’t win anything. Screw judges with lousy taste.
3) The drummer!! Whose name i shall not speak but shall simply leave as C*****N (*waves at sam and sara*
Sam sang Runaway by the Corrs …
beeyooteefully. Like i said. judges have no taste anyway.
Say it’s true…there’s nothing like me and you
YOu’re not alone, tell me you feel it to
And i would run away…I would runaway…
I would run away with you…
Cos I have fallen in love with you…
You know I’m never gonna stop falling in love with you…
Sigh..this is one of those songs that loses itself somewhere between being sung and having its lyrics written down.
and *MUAKZ* sara…love ya..love your crappy stories and your coffee and oreo cheesecake and the fact that you are, unlike me, NOT broke. (haha…) Yay Yay can’t wait for wednesday…I’m getting my present and you (hopefully) will get yours too!!
Happy mother’s day tomorrow.
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Friday, May 07, 2004
title's from a suede song called saturday night...its got all these undercurrents about love; love that's tired, jaded and a little bit mechanical, but that nonetheless exists cos the guy's planning to do
oh, whatever makes her happy, on a saturday night / I'll do whatever makes her happy, whatever makes it alright
its bittersweet and beautiful and its making me wish someone would do that for me too.
did anyone see that coming?
did i not tell you i was an incurable romantic?
but oh man i never thought some things could hurt this bad. Quoting something deen wrote:
there is pleasure only with pain
Only with loss is there gain
And when the stars go out, you warm me with your smile
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Thursday, May 06, 2004
some fucking asshole stole 45 bucks outta my wallet plus a 2o bucks borders voucher..bloody hell all i did was leve it for 5 minutes and wad kind of despo idiot goes ard clawing through wallets in search of all valuable articles? DAMN!!!!! That was BIRTHDAY PRESENT BUYING MONEY!!!
And the craziest thing was that this individual in question was
kind enough to leave me a sad little 5dollar note that wasnt there in the beginning..like..give and take..i take 50 and i give 5 back. like, how totally
idiotic.
And anyway. Im so broke now. put present buying on hold
Donations are accepted, thank you :)
Love you ALL.
Philanthropy is good for the soul.
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Tuesday, May 04, 2004
i have funny bruises and cuts all over my arm. Its somewhat freaky..plus they look self inflicted, which i can assure you they are not. but seriously...lets count them. 3 big ones and 4 small ones. plus two bruises, one on each arm. and they
hurt
Nothing much going on actually, other than the freaky arms...well, here's something i found scribbled in my notebook...
i don't need someone with all the right answers
or a solution to my uncertainty
all i want is to find that someone who, maybe,
is asking the same questions as me.
its part of something bigger, but the rest sucked. this, now. makes sense.
its amazing how much a person's own happiness depends so much on other people. I always thought i should live life up, and never let anyone change the way i was; or
depend on somebody other than myself to find fulfilment. Which i still think. but so much in life is abut learning to give up a certain degree of control over the way your life goes and let the powers that be lead you along.
I guess what i'm trying to say is that if things go wrong, as they often do, there's not much point worrying about how you screwed up or whatever. Because shit happens, no matter how you try to avoid it. But when things go right, which sometimes happens, serendipitiously, miraculously, and with that sudden rush of clarity, then be grateful. regrets never change anything...so live for the moment
we can forgive a man for making a useful thing as long as he does not admire it. The only excuse for making a useless thing is that one admires it intensely
slightly irrelevant but somehow fits.
tata...
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