Well fuck it

I think I could be happier, only I forgot how.


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obviously i need a better reason..or in fact any reason at all.

so give me one

and i am finally seeing
why i was the one worth leaving

i learned the art of swerving into the loneliest evening


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(spotted on a customer's tee)

Anyway. I'm not sad and I'm not angry. I'm not even tired.

Yet.

In fact all I want to do is finish my 8 days of work and go buy a pair of pretty heels.

That's good, right?


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Camp is over and I look back at it with strangely mixed feelings. I'm glad to have been there, to have experienced and learnt the many things I did and to have survived. Yet somewhere another little voice questions if all that we went through for camp was justified.

I've read Aileen and Vic's blog and it must be said that neither were fully happy before, or during, the camp. Perhaps, as Aileen said, all of us were too busy to pay enough attention to one another to notice. Vic was sad because she said she felt left out of the non-games programmes, partly because they were run by the couply people. And yes, it is true, we did run into a bad habit of throwing Vic the random little things to do, like scoring and wet weather. And Dominic, Jae, and I are also guilty of keeping much of the haunted house and clues stuff to ourselves, mainly because we wanted to keep it under wraps to prevent info from spreading to the freshies. That was totally a mistake and we apologize.

I'm sorry too for whatever stress we put Aileen and Sze Han through. It is true that we weren't always the most sympathetic of people, even though I think most of us did try to make it easier for Aileen. But as for the fights and the quarrels about programme matters and etc etc. Well.

I believe we wanted to do this as friends, and I hoped that working on camp together would bring us closer and all that...basically, all I hoped for was for the bunch of us to have fun together. In a sense, yes, we have had fun running around, going for endless coffee meetings at Pacific and cheonging last minute matters in our new home named ChatterCube and argueing about the best way to tortue the innocent and happy freshies and so many other things that I will one day look back on and smile. But to quote Sze Han, friends are the hardest people to work with. And I don't want any work-related camp screwups to ruin the friendships we have. I, as always and its becoming a cliche, wanted everything to be nice and happy. And I'm sorry for all the times that this didn't happen. I don't know how to express it, but I really am.

I feel like I'm giving so little back in exchange for all of what you guys have one and all you guys have gone through (refer to Vic's blog and Aileen's blog and previous post).

I wish I could turn back time and make everything have gone better.

Still, camp seems to have been well received, and so thank yourselves guys. credit goes out to you and none of in could have happened without you.

YOU includes the FOP people, Fumin, Jit Soon, Eemin, as well as certain members of the 5th MC who lent their unfailing support and help in times of dire need, people like Edwin and WenQi and KENT whom we love.

In fact kent probably deserve a seperate thank you for mysteriously appearing at the last second and helping us with the food stuff, the rahrah-ing and organizing, for distracting the freshies away from our messiness and fooling them into thinking that the time-filler cheers were actually planned and for not complaining when I crashed his room.

YOU also includes Joyce for her last minute and invaluable help with clues, haunted house, the ball-ball, the make-up, for staying up late with all of us and for helping us fill in as a last minute OGL cum stationmaster and for in general being a very nice person.

And how can I forget the (george) Lucas (ho) for his brilliant video which I foresee will go down in NUS history as the greatest FOC video ever made

YOU also includes Brandon and Jae for the destressing smokes, the pink elephants for being themselves and the half a prawn for being the occasional half a prawn, my WONDERFUL OG NINJA for having such a fantastic attitude as well as Jon Kwok, Vivien, Yiling, Gay Yong and especially JinRui for pulling the OG together and for not forgetting me despite my sporadic appearances. I feel loved ;) thank you for including me in the group even though I was hardly with you all.

YOU must ALSO include PRof Teo for being such a giggly good sport and chuckling all the way through the inaugaral Haunted House tour.

I was quite happy at the camp, actually. Makes me feel doubly bad for those who weren't.
But I digress.


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My two cents worth on the latest topic on the AILEEN and VICTORIA relationship forums.

Namely: On the Possibility of sustaining a relationship between a Guy in NS and a Girl in Uni.

The honest sincere truth is that, truly, I would have little to say. My dating policy strictly excludes NS guys. To date, I haven't dated one. I haven't even been in a position that might lead to me dating one.

It's not that I don't think these sort of relationships will work. They just won't work for me. True story: I'm terrible at commitments. I can't ever decide what I want. I don't want to make someone else suffer for my indecisiveness (although that's happened before, regrettably). I'm also very bad at sustaining anything over a long term period, especially if the thing in question involves great and constant effort on my part.

I'd probably make a better friend than a girlfriend. But who am I fooling.

Everything will self destruct if I wait long enough.


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Today I will wrote about the reason why I haven’t been writing for the past month or so. I know it’s the holidays and you expect that a lot of stuff happens during holidays, more than term time at any rate. Yes. True. I’ve just been so preoccupied by stuff that I haven’t had time to write about it.

My blog isn’t even one of those that people read for deep and interesting and well thought out arguments or fully developed theses about life, the universe, and everything. Its one of those that people read to amuse themselves by my silly exploits and extreme good luck (how many times have I lost my wallet?) or to update themselves about my life. In other words, it’s probably interesting only to those who know me. Therefore if you already know me you will probably already know what I busy my little self with. Therefore I am tempted to conclude that this post is unnecessary and terminate it here.

But anyway. I feel like blogging about camp. So you’re just going to have to indulge me.

USC FOC abbreviates University Scholars Club Freshman Orientation Camp. FOCs. We all know what those are. I had great fun at mine, and I’m crossing my fingers and hoping that this year’s will be at least as good. I think I’ve sold my soul for camp. I’ve had fights with my parents AND boyfriend/domineering Boss about camp related stuff. I’ve forgone a perfectly good and nicely-paying holiday job because I needed the time. I misplaced my social life somewhere along the line. I’m tired.

What sane soul would want to spend a perfectly good 3 months worth of slack time in meeting after meeting after saikang work after meeting? It doesn’t make sense, even to me, but nevermind how it happened, there are (at least) 6 of us who for better or worse fall in the above category, and we’re sticking it through to the end. Forget the fact that we’re all overworked and underslept and thoroughly sick of the Pacific Coffee at Citylink, and that we have a week left to go and everyone’s just rushing for time.

We’re doing it and the end is near.

If you’re a camp-planning virgin, I can assure you that a 6-person committee is MINISCULE. We’re not a 6-person committee of specialized planners or saikang warriors. We’re a 6-person committee of planners moneycollectors photographers gameplanners excelsheetcreators secretaries doers thinkers scriptwriters filmproducers phonecallmakers everything all in one. USP (uni scholars programme all say we’re not scholars!) is a tiny faculty. We’re as small as say, medicine or law. BUT while doctors and lawyers get to devote their entire lives to their home faculties, USP-ers (yes I refuse to call us scholars!) divide their time between USP and their home faculty, like arts or whatever. And since we’re small to begin with we end up never having enough people to do stuff. I mean, think about it…6 people would be the size of some obscure sub sub committee in Arts. But on the other hand, USP’s smallness makes it somehow nice. Arts camp had OGs with 40 odd people in them. We have weeny OGs with maybe 12 people. Its nice to be able to get to know everyone personally.I think I like the people here. Uni life just wouldn’t be the same without the bunch of crazy people I know (pals. frogs. whatever you may call them). As a matter of fact our camp com is totally nepotistic. We signed up as one massive bunch. We are first and foremost friends. We just happen to work together. In idealistic moments I like to imagine that because we all met through orientation (more or less) and PGP and because we all love each other so much, we all decided to embark on a shared mission to spread the love and propagate the friendships we formed in USP to the freshies. Oooh feel the love!

*dances around tossing flower petals and flashing a peace sign while John Lennon plays in the background*

I probably sound silly. But it must be true to some degree that to get a faculty to bond as a faculty there is essentially no other way to work other than the bottom up. Especially if it’s a small faculty like ours. People as a general rule do not feel sudden urges to declare undying love for an organization. They do, however, tend to form bonds with people that they share something in common with. The main reason I’m so attached to USP is because most of my closest(ish) uni friends are here. I’ve no impetus to move my affections elsewhere.

(Gosh.Tthat was a weird sentence!)

But in any case. I’m happy with how I spent my hols, and it’s been a (gut-wrenching hair raising heartbreaking) experience. Kudos to all the nice com people who’ve worked so hard on this. To quote Jae, the weirdest thing about the camp so far is how people are fighting to get more work given to them because they think everyone else is doing too much work. Dominic thinks I work too hard. I think Dominic works too hard. Aileen thinks SzeHan is overworked. SzeHan insists that he’s doing Ok. And Jaesson can’t find enough stuff for us all to do.

Surreal but true. Such are the days of our lives

I love Jaesson Dominic Aileen Victoria Szehan.

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TEN FIRSTS:
First Best Friend: ang moh chick in primary school called merlinda

First Nickname: random permutations of name - nettenette, netty, lynnie etc.

First Pet: i group my formative years into a random blur collectively known as 'when i was young" and during this time i recall owning a sweet silky terrier called sammy, 2 bunnies, goldfish, a cage of hamsters and a cockatoo. don't ask me why theyre gone i think death just swooped down on the household one day.

First Piercing: the ears. though a very rude joke flashed itself across my mind (oh no lynnette shut up)

First Crush: I can't honestly remember. i think it was Brett the Hitman Heart. Or some wrestling character in pink and black.

First CD: Enya. Strange but true. It was the paint the sky with stars album.

First Car: is awaiting.

First Alcoholic Drink: White wine. At some wine and cheese party

First Kiss: Some things are best left unrecorded. (quote unquote valerie)

First Stuffed Animal: This teeny pink bunny that I was super attached to and I cried because I left it on the kiddy ride in cold storage one night and couldnt get it back.

NINE LASTS:
Last Alchoholic Beverage: White wine at Raffles Hotel the Courtyard

Last Car Ride: To Toa Payoh from school courtesy of Dominic the Domineering.

Last Movie Seen: Havoc. its not as good as it looks.

Last Phone Call: Kenneth Blake Goh who ditched me for the shower.

Last Song Played: Nada Surf's If You Leave. Does it count if it was because I was practising the guitar? If not, then Tori Amos.

Last Meal: Dinner?

Last Time In Love: ohhh last week and the week before that and now and for a lot longer

Last Time You Cried: Pretty long ago, actually


EIGHT "HAVE YOU EVERS":
Have you ever dated one of your best friends: Nope.

Have you ever skinny dipped: Thought about it but the sea snakes scared us off

Have you ever been on TV: Yeah a bit...just a bit

Have you ever been drunk: Not really. I get sleepy before i get drunk and besides i can't drink that well

Have you ever kissed someone, and then regretted it: Yeah.

Have you ever been stoned: its my normal state and i dont even need the drugs.

SEVEN THINGS YOU ARE WEARING:
1) Sec 2 class tee with the silly cheer
2) grubby black shorts
3) left contact lens
4) white contact lens
5) lucky fairy necklace
6) Erm. Underwear.
7) my heart on my sleeve ha

SIX THINGS YOU'VE DONE TODAY:
1) Script meeting at cityhall
2) Gave Jae face and went to school for games briefing
3) Saw a lot of USP freshies in chatterbox
4) Sent friend off at the airport
5) Cut nails
6) Blogged.

FIVE PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO:
1) Cuppycake
2) Nicolez
3) JunWen
4) Jamie in Australia provided I get a calling card
5) White iprints notebook that is my diary

FOUR FAVORITE THINGS IN NO ORDER:
1) Reading on the bed in a cosy bedside lamp lit orange and yellow room
2) Feeling loved
3) Finding that perfect book or CD after hours of browsing
4) Random hugs

THREE CHOICES:
1) Black or white: That's racist.

2) Hot or Cold: I would like you to think I'm hot, but as anyone who's been in an airconditioned room with me can attest, Im unfortunately usually cold.

3) Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate.

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1) Fall in love,
2) Change the world

ONE THING YOU REGRET:
I don't do regret.


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This is a nice, bloggable topic because its been coming up so often in recent conversations with random people. And I'm arguing about it so much I'm beginning to confuse myself. So here goes an attempt to verbalize (then again. I'm writing. prose-alize? To quote Brandon, TOO MUCH ELANG)

As of now, most of us don't really know what we want. Because we're all such clueless people, we think we've miraculously found what we want (in this context, Mr or Ms Right aka THE ONE) when we chance upon that one person that makes us that little bit happier.

Do I believe in THE ONE? I used to. Now I'm not entirely sure. Because there will always be someone that makes you a little bit happier than the one before, someone who seems that little bit more right than the previous. If ONE-ness is based on feelings, and if feelings are as eratic as this, then. erm. Question mark. Unless the quality of ONE-ness is transferable or otherwise rehabilitable, then that just seems wrong.

I have a friend who believes in Signs from Above. Meaning, basically, that God has somewhere in the world planted THE ONE for each and every person (with the exceptions of nuns priests and the odd sad soul who got overlooked) and while He tries to be subtle about it, He leaves a bunch of indications and signs that would lead the attentive observer towards the right ONE, eventually. Leaving aside all religious arguments my main issue with this is that these signs and indications are very often things that one only realizes in retrospect. It's one thing for a happily married couple to look back and reminisce about all the happy coincidences that brought them together, and its quite another to expect poor, confused people to take in whats happening around them and give thanks for the blessed intervention from an almighty hand. And in any case the existance of THE ONE assumes that events are at least to some extent predestined, which in effect and by way of a long argement which i will leave out excludes the possibility of free will. And I'm not exactly willing to buy that at the moment.

In place on an absolute ONE, I propose a scale of ONE-ness unique to each individual. Meaning, quite simply, that some people are more right for each other than others. This ONE-ness, which we shall arbitrarily name the O-constant, can be gauged from several factors such as personality, individual values, shared interests etc etc I will not go into details. The main point is, it’s simply easier to love some people than others. And the easier it is, the more likely that things will work out. Sometimes the O-constant is large enough so as to ensure everlasting fidelity and love. But that’s only sometimes. In most cases, it’s a little investment game we play. We find someone that seems right (high O-factor!) and if we think its worth our time, we sell our soul for a while. It doesn’t always work, but sometimes it does. And when that happens, consider yourself blessed.

THE ONE is whoever feels right, whoever makes you happy, whoever you can envision yourself spending a lifetime or more with, with no regrets. It is not decided by destiny, or by mysteriously heavenly powers, but by one’s own heart. Therefore, no. I don’t believe, at least not now, that THE ONE will descend from heaven and charm the socks off the person in question in a blinding flash of light. The possibility of ONE-ness waits within everyone, waiting to be uncovered by a revelation of true and unexpected love. It’s not easy, but it happens often enough for me to believe that it will someday work out for me too.

Where has the romantic idealist gone?

Shopping for a slightly more practical theory, perhaps. But the romantic still lurks somewhere within.

After all, I still believe in love.

More later.

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