Saturday, November 11, 2006
there are days when you awake expecting so much from the world only to have her fuck you over and throw every good thing you imagined back at you in the reverse.
well I just had one of those days and the sense of fucked-overness was mitigated only after a midnight run. I used to think that the best thing to do at times like this would be to live through it; to face the god damn music till the concerto ends and then be glad for not hiding from the truth. Well thats over. I'll admit. I'm lousy at handling unhappiness. I over rely on people to help me deal with bad times. I have some wierd complex that makes me incapable of living with my own issues, and an even weirder one that somehow makes me expect there to be someone at
any time who'll help.
There I said it. Incredibly flawed self but I swear I will get over it. In the process, in the process, but i gotta stay sane and i think I need to get past myself before anything else. I was talking to Glynsen and we were complaining about life. He suggested that all of us just need to see a big genuine smile once in a while.Not from any significant other or whatever, but just, well, a smile. To remind us all to be happy I guess. And then we were talking about smiling at ourselves in the mirror to cheer ourselves up and so forth. And in case we find it too hard to smile for ourselves, then we should do it for the people around us who ALSO need to see smiles.
I really should start practiscing what i preach. All these reasonable, rational thoughts and here I am letting my mind run away with itself as usual. I need to get over myself
I really do. This whols sem has been one massive attempt to run away. It's worked to a degree. There are things i promised myself to do. And I;ve reasonably managed to do them. At the emotional level, however, somethings are still pretty fucked. But less so. And I swear I will get over the damn thing.
I'm being vehement because i realize I'll never got on with life if I continue having the same hang ups about the same stupid things. It isnt even person or situation specific anymore. It's just. well. me. and I dont like it. And neither should anyone.
For some reason Eliot comes to mind. Give. Sympathize. Control.
Anyway. goodnight.
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