Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Oh I've been such a bitch its a wonder i haven't been banished to some level of hell in a cage with ravaging hamsters chewing at my toes and a nest of roaches for good company already

i've watched myself being shoved along some fucked up out of control sine curve and dragging along a whole host of unfortunate people with me.

I keep forgetting not to make silly excuses for myself. Silly little over-emotional girls need to reminded of such things as the following:

the world does not revolve around me and my silly microcosm of non-essential not really very important problems

and i have absolutely and utterly no right to involve poor innocent trying to be nice people in my drive towards self destruction even if i insist on heading down that trajectory, God forbid

and my own warped logic will not for one second stand the test of reality. therefore feeling sorry for myself on the basis of the random self-pitying thoughts trekking through my brain is henceforth prohibited.

and really, i should have nothing to complain about. theres so much of life to live, and it really doesn't make sense to waste any of it sitting around radiating misery.

One of my Hemingway lectures mentioned the Law of Positive Energy; meaning, that you're supposed to give back more (positive) energy to the world than you take out of it. I remember thinking it was a wonderful concept. And it is, and it should be my mantra for everytime little miss depressive comes knocking.

adios, and if you read this and see me being silly at some later point in time please do the world a favour and smack me hard.

really really

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Sunday, February 26, 2006

This was supposed to be posted on lke the 12th? but I didn't get round to publishing it until now.

Nick's really my uncle but he looks young, and in fact isn't really that much older and as a result foled me for the greater part of my life into believing that he was my cousin. It only clicked a few years ago when it dawned on me that Nick's father was my grand-uncle, which would make Nick my....

nevermind

As unauspicius as this might sound, it struck me during the wedding that weirdly, I've been surrounded most of my life my failed/ non-existant ages. My grandparents on both sides are more or less not on speaking terms with one another. My parents split up when i was 8 or 9, and an 2 outta 3 of my mother's sisters had dysfunctional/MIA/ultra loser husbands. I don't think any of my cousins plan on getting married. Hardly any of my mother's closer friends are married - One had a fiance die of cancer, another one's like nun-ish and married to the church, and another one is fanatically feminist and man-hating.

It’s disconcerting to think that this is my norm. I am so used to father-less, husband-less households that they seem more real to me that father-ful, husband-ful normality.

But what I want to say it this. Living the way I do is difficult, but not in the way most would expect. I am not scarred for life, I do not hate my parents, and I don’t feel that marriages are doomed and therefore fiercely for the idea of a lifetime of spinsterhood. On the contrary, if anything, it makes me doubly determined not to fuck up my life the way my parents did, and their parents before them.

Being the only kid in a single parent household, for me, makes it hard to live through the little things. Tiny insignificant details that no one thinks about.

Like food. Food’s always been a strangely hairy issue at home. Its hard cooking just for two, and even then there’s always tons of stuff left behind. So we’re not much of a cooking family, and when I’m off in hall, my mother never cooks, and I have no idea what she eats because the fridge seems permanently devoid of edibles. She calls me in school and says she hates eating alone. Well its sad but what can I do? As much as I feel a degree of responsibility towards her I need to live my life too, and I can’t try and multi-task as a daughter and a husband-surrogate. It’s too exhausting. And there’s only me and her and no in-between buffer.

Like the faux passes of kindly but unknowing relatives at wedding dinners/ new year visits/ funerals. Like a cousin twice removed morbidly put, you can’t blame them if you see them once every funeral . Its very difficult to answer a question like “Where’s your mother?” without bringing on a barrage of questions. Or something like “How are your parents?” Gee, they’re hardly on speaking terms, and how are yours? Its awkward and I don’t like it. At Nick’s wedding my mother wasn’t invited, and my dad nicely turned up with who he called his “lady friend”. It was the most fucked up thing ever. Nick’s sister and a bunch of other people were all trying to figure out why my mother wasn’t there and the moment Dad + Celia walked in a dozen pairs of sympathetic eyes turned on me. I don’t give a shit what they do, but I do wish they’d settle their messy little affairs among themselves and not leave me to handle situations that I have hardly anything to do with.

I wouldn’t want to inflict this on anyone, ever. I’m prepared to mess up my own life, but not my kids’, if I ever do have any. I don’t feel prepared to sacrifice my sanity and happiness for the sake of my mother even if my duty as a daughter decrees otherwise. As un-nice as that might sound, and anyone’s welcome to despise me for it, well I don’t want to go through life saddled with the burden of a decision that wasn’t even mine to make. And I can’t expect anyone to do the same for me.

And still I believe in happy endings.

In the middle of Nick’s thanking everybody speech he kinda choked and started tearing onstage. I don’t blame him, I would too. There’s so much too hope for, and so many possibilities for happiness. I don’t believe I’d consciously give any of it up.

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In The Diving Bell and the Butterfly Jean-Dominique Bauby is almost fully paralyzed save for the ability to blink his left eye. It is through this that me manages to sustain contact with the outside world. His friends construct a specially designed alphabet board, one where the most commonly used alphabets in french are placed in front, and then painstakingly read out letter by letter until Jean stops them with a wink. It goes on until he forms whole words. Sentences. The stuff of everyday conversation, but with oh so much effort.

Jean describes his visitors' efforts at conversations. Nervous ones tend to go too fast and miss his blinks. Thorough, meticulous people make for laborious work, but Jean is seldom misunderstood. Then there are those who, in response to a long and effortful "how are you" or similar, answer with a bland "fine" and leave it at that, and the ball is back in Jean's court.

It takes him that much effort to speak, and would cost the other party so little to try a little harder to contribute to the conversation. If I was Jean I'd be going crazy. I'd feel like I was speaking to the most unfeeling of brick walls ever.

And that's what its like now. I hate the way you dismiss me, the way you brush aside things I say with the most perfunctory replies. I m trying to tell you something, and you don't listen.

You don't even see how hard it is for me to speak, and you walk out of the door ignoring my presence and leaving me cold.

did you even realize that?

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Thursday, February 23, 2006

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is low.
You see love as a gift that you should give to many.
It's hard for you to imagine being with one person at at time...
Let alone one person for the rest of your life!

Experience Level:

Your experience level is high.
You've loved, lost, and loved again.
You have had a wide range of love experiences.
And when the real thing comes along, you know it!

Dominance:

Your dominance is low.
This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced.
You know a relationship is not about getting your way.
And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom.

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is low.
You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance.
No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter.
You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate.
And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon.

Independence:

Your independence is high.
You don't need to be in love, and sometimes you don't even want love.
Having your own life is very important for you...
Even more important than having a relationship.

The Five Variable Love Test

I sometimes wish someone would just give me the perfect vanila cookie recipe and let me live in peace forever. I am both an idealist and a cynic. I believe in a perfect love, but not necessarily for me. Mr Right aka the one aka soulmate probably does exist, but I don't know if I'll recognize him even if he tapdanced in a striped hat on my nose.

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and here is

My Johari Window

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Saturday, February 18, 2006

I'm hungry andI want chocolate chip cookies!

I sit lonely and forlorn in my ivory tower, awaiting my cookie in shining armour to come rescue me from the abyss of hunger in which i pine.

I come, fair princess, to rescue you from NOOOOO let GOOOOOO!!! ARRRRGHHHHH!!!!!

crunch crunch crunch

Not very polite to eat a visitor and his friends. (hey. cookies come in PACKS, dont they. I'm sure they make friends in there)

Maybe I should wish for a KNIGHT in shining armour, bearing gifts of the finest cookie, to come visit me instead.

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Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Four things/people that make me smile:
1. Feeling loved :)
2. My yellow big eyed floober ball
3. Jae
4. My pals

Four ways to win my heart :
1. Tolerance - Put up with extreme moodswings (mine)
2. Conversation - Talk to me over long, coffee saturated breakfasts about life, the universe, and everything!
3. Chivalry, and
4. An overload of affection

Four things i believe in:
1. That God is too big to fit into any one single religion
2. That happiness - or contentment- is a choice
3. That its good to be alive
4. Ghosts

Four things I'm afraid of:
1. Becoming cynical and jaded and bored with life
2. Being alone
3. Roaches
4. Losing my wallet/ handphone irretrievably

Four things I do everyday:
1. Sleep
2. Eat
3. Blink
4. Yawn

Four things/people I want to see right now
1. Massive plate of french fries with 3 kinds of dip and an icecream soda
2. Christina's missing tutorial that I lost
3. My quitter shroom in Aussie
4. A massive Borders gift card for S$_____(insert very large number)

Four People who should also do this
1. Jaesson
2. Victoria
3. Big Sam
4. Vasudha

Love ya all.
happy valentines :)

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Sunday, February 05, 2006

You have a 53% chance of surviving a T-Rex Attack

You have an above average chance of surviving a T-Rex attack. You are able to recognize what the real dangers are as opposed to the imaginary ones. Go team!

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

The Picto-Personality Test

You are a person who likes to have fun all the time.

When alone, you let it all hang out and ignore every social convention.

You are intelligent. You use your time to its fullest potential and will go very far in life.

In the future you will be happy and live richly.

Take this Test at QuizGalaxy.com

You fit in with:
Spiritualism

Your ideals are mostly spiritual, but in an individualistic way. While spirituality is very important in your life, organized religion itself may not be for you. It is best for you to seek these things on your own terms.

100% spiritual.
60% reason-oriented.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

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