Monday, March 28, 2005
About 3 minutes ago my computer hung and put an abrupt end to the 8 or 9 conversations I was having on msn. And after I relogged in and everything, everyone's just gone.
Suddenly I feel impossibly alone.
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I miss the early morning, pre dawn scent of coffee and cigarettes and cut grass
I miss waking up to a smoky and still dark sky and knowing exactly what day it is.
Something about this new life disorients me. It’s so…unstructured and so easy to get lost in. I find myself losing track of passing days, of disregarding things I once thought were important. It’s almost like I’m losing sense of myself, sometimes.
So many things to do and so many people I need and want to meet and somehow I can’t manage to do all the things I plan to.
I’ve been home sick for about 3 days now, and in between sleeping and popping little green-grey pills and imbibing copious quantities of water and lemon juice my company of choice has been Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s 100 Years of Solitude. It’s haunting and surreal and does little to improve my already fairly detached state of mind.
You know those dream-like fevered states that you sometimes drift through in a half asleep hazes when certain things just stick out with a strange lucidity and others just slip off into background-ness? Well while running a 39 degree fever 2 nights ago I had one of those exhausting dreams filled with recurrences of the following:
1) Blink 182’s I Miss You
2) Marquez’s Rebeca, the unwilling widow, eating earth, and earthworms in a whitewashed house
3) 4 lines an Alexander Pope poem (How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot! et al)
4) And an endless walk through an infinitely large room filled with shelves of shelves of shelves of books all of whose locations I was supposed to memorize.
All this culled from a journal entry I don’t even remember writing. And it did sound fairly creepy when I re-read it for the first time this afternoon.
And I’m still searching for something, but I don’t know what.
I love you
Or maybe I don’t. Maybe I just need you
Or maybe
Maybe it isn’t even you
~Machine~
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Thursday, March 24, 2005
Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence |
You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.
You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.
|
Reloaded all my images and etc and my blog now looks pretty much back to normal.
Wheee :)
Also, please hug me. There's a hug counter on the side board which I put there solely because I thought it looked cute, and to see if my blog had enough readers to justify me braving the moodswings of my capricious computer to keep it updated. I could just as easily keep a journal.
Which, incidentally, I do too.
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Wednesday, March 23, 2005
What can I say? No matter how you try to avoid it, life
will throw you bits of unexpectedness, little electric jolt situations that force you out of comfort zone bliss and into the not-so-comfortable world of real decision making.
Sometimes you just have to get up, get out and make a serious effort to do something other than just drift along and pray that fate or the powers that be will hand you a long and happy life nicely cut out and garnished on a silver platter.
I am, and always have been, an optimist and an idealist. I have not yet managed to give up the naïve belief that the world at large is a beautiful and infinitely forgiving place and that no matter what,
everything’s gonna be okay. And I guess I’ve been under the impression that I can do absolutely anything without having to live with any form of unpleasant consequence.
And that’s still true. I’m lucky. Hello, this is the girl who managed to lose her wallet 16 times in 2 years, and 15 out of the 16 nicely contrived to get it back with not too much difficulty.
What I figured out now, then, is that just because I have a happy, devil may care attitude towards all things that (to me) bear less than cosmic significance doesn’t mean everyone else around me does. And while I may drift through most of life in an untouchable little bubble, there are still certain lines that I can’t cross, certain rules aside from those I set for myself that have to be taken into account somehow.
(I’ve known this all along but it never seemed significant until recently)
And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Words go easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love no glory
No hero in her sky
* * * * *
I can’t take my eyes off you
~Damien Rice, The Blower’s Daughter And all I want to say right now is I can’t give this up, not right now, and not this way. Please understand that its hard to do the right thing all the time, that its sometimes hard to even figure out what the right thing to do is.
There's no way I can avoid regretting at least some part of this whole messy thing, so I won't try. My best, (and still highly unconvincing) argument to myself is horribly cliche and goes
everything happens for a reason and I guess its true in a horribly cliche way.
I'll leave it at that
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Within less than 2 months of working at Borders I have managed to purchase the following:
1) Paul Auster’s The Invention of Solitude
2) In the Country of Last Things, also by Auster. Creepily dystopian, and surprisingly real.
3) Nabokov’s Lolita, which I have been wanting read since 3000 years ago
4) Alfian Saat’s A history of Amnesia, at long last. After all the hunting I’ve done at Kino it really is kind of ironic that I managed to dig out the last dog eared copy in the corner of the poetry section
5) 100 Years of Solitude
6) John Armstrong’s The Secret Power of Beauty. Haven’t cracked it yet, so
7) Russell’s The Conquest of Happiness. Because I identify.
8) Great Ideas by Penguin. Which is this series of radical, civilization shaking ideas coming from all fields imaginable, from Darwin to Michiavelli t St Augustine. Can’t wait to get started. Got it at an unbelievable price too. The last I remember each individual book sold for $11.95. I got all 20 at 55 bucks, and that’s before I put in my staff discount.
Delightful. Other than the fact that I’m easily throwing all that i earn from borders right back into the company.
I have a few problems with this blog, one being that the site that did my blogskin managed to crash and now I’m stuck with a big blank space where a pretty picture should be.
Another being that my computer’s superbly affected with some disgusting god-knows-what that bombards me with porn everytime I go online. Yes, I know for some of you this may be a good thing, but that aint for me. No siree.
All these excuses. But valid nonetheless. Im also too lazy/bust to attempt to do anything to fix it. Ah well.
-----This is a surface-y post because I want to start it off easy. Sorry guys, if this bores you. -------
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