Saturday, October 30, 2004
i guessed i could be pretty pissed off to what happened to me
but its hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world
sometimes i feel like im seeing it all and once
and too much my heart fills up like a balloon and bursts
and then i remember to relax and start trying to hold on to it
then it flows through me like rain
and i cant feel anything but gratitude
for every single moment of my stupid little life
you have no idea what im talking about im sure
but don't worry, you will some day
Was going to go off but I came across this in
Jamie's blog. It's Lester's closing lines in American Beauty, one of my favourite characters in one of my favourite shows. The movie is intruiging in itself. It starts out so darkly and discomfittingly and you can't help but be depressed by the fake
cheeriness of it. Then just in the end, when you least expect it, there's this strange, quiet hopefulness that shines through, that comes out perfectly in the above lines. And it just makes you think.
and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life
is the line that stuck the most. Being grateful simply for being alive isn't something most people would sympathize with. I guess we're all jaded, cynical people, we've grown so used to life that the whole beauty of it just doesn't stand out anymore.
I used to tell myself that life, even at its darkest, most depressing moments, was a beautiful thing. Simply because being here, and having lived, is infinitely better than the alternative. Yeah, i know this is awfully idealistic, simplistic and naive, and most of the time i'm not fully convinced of it myself. Other times though, the wonder of everything just overwhelms me, and i really do feel an uncontrollable rush of gratitude for the grace that brought me here. Sometimes everything just seems so pure and so perfect that any unhappiness at all seems impossible. Sometimes...these moments never last, of course, and all too often I hurtle back into reality.
Still, I would rather stay my idealistic, dreamy self. Cynicism would not become me. If I live in a fantasy world where nothing can touch me, then well, don't tell me, I'll burst my own bubble when I want to.
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1) Studying is the most unfulfilling way I can think of spending my time
2) Someone ought to kill off mathematicians and all related. They have a ploy to corrupt the world with their loathsome art and it is our civic duty to stop them
3) I'm not convinced by the whole hooha about rekindling an interest in chinese. No one up there really gives a damn, they just want schools to turn into factory lines churning out rows of perfectly engineered china investment geniuses to be. Just wait till
India becomes the new economic bigwig. You have been warned.
4) Kerry had better win. I personally would
love to see a burning Bush. In the fires of hell, no less.
5) Alfian Saat's Stories of Amnesia is currently in the process of being reprinted. Fong promised me a copy, yay. The current sad state of local support for local writers: Borders has no section for local authors. There's a
local interest section which features the collected works of Mssrs Lee and Lee (Russell and Kuan Yew respectively). Great literary tradition we have. I say, go Kino.
6) Went on a book buying spree, got me Madam Bovary and Oryx and Crake.
7) Happy belated birthday post,
Deen dear. Thursday was fun :) That outside Carrefore place has excellent ice cream! Glad you like the half prezzie *muakz* you rock. Remember the post A's shopping!
8) I found a foolproof way to decide how many real friends you have in life. Imagine trying to kill yourself. And then think...really carefully..about how many notes you'd leave. Like, to explain your death, say you last farewells, etc. Yup, think of who you'd bother telling. Its a surprisingly small number. I found, like, 5. Max. Also, I've often wondered who would actually attend my funeral in the event of unexpected death. And what their reactions would be.
9) Goodnight everyone.
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Thursday, October 21, 2004
Over the weekend I succeeded in
1)Sending in my SPH scholarship application
2)Finishing my personal statement and sending in my UCAS form
3)Crashing my com
Just as I was about to save my personal statement on sunday night my com performed the ultimate suicide and crashed..the crash and cannot turn back one type of crash. Ended up calling Jamie for for help (and she's in Australia) to rescue me. Well, we had a lovely long talk that continued the next day..about friendship and how transient most of thema re, and how hard it is to find a "by default" friend..which is basically, a friend that you can always go back to no matter how vastly changed you are. Well, after everything,a dn despite the Aussie Singapore business she still really is the bestest friend i have and have had so far...and at least I have that to be grateful for
SPH called me today telling me to go down on Friday for some written test type thing. I'm going to assume with a sort of blind hope that this means I've been is some way shortlisted or something. And the reply came really quick. counting from saturday till now, that like, 4 days? Including a sleep in sunday. I'm going to take their quick reply as a good sign too. Oh kind benevolent forces that be, may the people at SPH love me :)
I'm getting a bit conscious of my writing style now. At times I think I should cut out all the frivolity from my blog and turn it into a repository of knowledge and GP resource material- a Yijian or Zenon type blog (refer to sideboard). But attempts thus far have not been successful, Guess I'll stick to being frivolous, at least for now.
I'm also uber pissed off at the moment . Tell me if I'm wrong, but in my opinion, friends should, like, be at least a little concerned about what happens in one another's life. Like, divide the sorrow and multiply the joy, etc, etc, you know. Well, the point is, if someone considers himself or herself my friend, that person would not treat things that are important to me with indifference. I'm hate to talk about things like this on my blog but I have to say it somewhere. Because right now i seriously am not very happy about apparently meaning so little to you considering how we're suppposed to be good friends and all. And no, I am not pms-ing.
Bio prac in 10 hours, maybe it is time to say goodnight.
For everyone is pained by the thought of disappearing, unheard and unseen, into an indifferent universe, and because of that everyone wants, while there is time, to turn into a universe of words
maybe thats why we bother blogging, even if the eyes that watch us are unknown and unseen, even if we are doubtful of their existance. A chance at forging a connection, even with the soul of a distant stranger, is a better option than the fade of an unsung hero into oblivion and forgetting.
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Thursday, October 14, 2004
If God lives outside time, how would He experience the passage of time? Or does time stand still; spiralling endless like Vaughan's ring of light? Without time passing, would God have a memory? It must seem to him that everything flashes by in an instant that goes on forever...I mean, since there is no time passing, there can hardly be any concept of before/aftar and all...the way there isn't any real UP or DOWN in deep space in the absence of gravity.
I need to put a fullstop on a sentence that should never even have been written to begin with. Too many stringy, drawn out statements are floating around me at the moment. Cut! Erase! Untangle!
God, I wonder how I'll live through the A's.
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hi all...
after my very long blogging hiatus I would love to return with something intriguing and terribly profound to say, but unfortunately, no.
Well, I did manage to write my psersonal statement for my UK uni aoo, I'm pretty proud of it; in fact I'm pretty proud of me :) Thus far, most people have liked it though jamie thinks it needs oomph-ification, and my GP tutor, very predictably, circled away at errant commas and whatnot. Also talked to my CT about it, and she's surprisingly more human now. She used to have this very freezy effect on me...think its gone, if not very much reduced now. Cheers.
Also applying for SPH, EDB and NAC scholarships. Wish me luck all. Considering my not exactly mindblowing prelim grades all this might be a litle overambitious on my part (Seriously, what exactly can one do with
BCDD?) but i figure a weeny, teeny, ten to the power of negative something chance is better than none at all. I need sholarships to get me to UK, or anywhere out of here, and if I stay here any longer i risk going mad. I refuse to fall into the sort of drifty
normalcy that dominates here; I want to l
live out loud . I guess maybe getting into a totally new environment will remind me how to live again. The past two years of JC have sort of killed something inside me, by some slow, gnawing action, and I'm afraid I'll never get back that little bit of vitality again.
Today was a better day than most, did some real studying in school with Hidayah. We have this crazy bio revision plan that if successful, would entail writing at least 4 essays and completing a few dozon structured questions (faithfully supplied by the excellent Bio Dept of TJC) and so forth. Well, one can always hope. Anyway, after that we ended up going to spotlight at tampines and wandering around picking up strange items (
Oh wow! a purple halo, a purple hello? a hallo?, and speculating about grad night. I got me shimmery pink fabric paint and a fairy-ish template thing..gonna beautify my pink(!!) and freshly bought bag. Something to look forward to, yay. and hiddie bought a tiara.
Ahhh moment of the day: Spending an ridiculously long time wandering around the wilderness of tampines central
looking for bandung without the milk . Uncharitable souls would call it
rose syrup. The satisfaction we felt when we finally found it was amazing..haha..for those interested, you can find it at the S11 foodcourt downstairs of the big popular. (well, there was another stall we saw after that selling the same thng for 40 cents less but we pretended not to see it) . Hidayah, crazy girl, also wants to buy this weird frosty mug thing..apparently made of special frezzing material, so if you pour an "icy cold drink" into it, and stir, you magically get "delicious frozzy drinks". Or something. Basically, it freezes drinks into those popsicle like things you eat in primary school. I'm rambling because its almost one in the morning and I'm getting sleepy after doing half of VJs maths paper. My point is basically, that today was a good day. Excellent.
Have a swimming plan tomorrow. And a studying plan. Excellent, again.
2 more days to school closing.
Nemo to Zenon:
"we're going to a movie. Now. And we already bought the tickets. So we have to go. NOW "
Nemo to Lynnette:
" I don't not like him. But I dont like him either. Maybe I just don't not NOT like him. but i definitely dont dislike him. You know what i mean?"
Random little bits of the day. I'm off, dear reader :)
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Tuesday, October 05, 2004
 I am The Wheel of Fortune
The Wheel of Fortune represents unexpected encounters and twists of fate. You can't predict surprises; you can only be aware when one is circling around. Indeed, Card 10 often suggests wheel-like actions - changes in direction, repeating cycles and rapid movement. When the energy of the Wheel arrives, you will feel life speed up. You are caught in a cyclone that may deposit you anywhere. "Round and round and round she goes, and where she stops, nobody knows." For a full description of your card and other goodies, please visit LearnTarot.com
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What tarot card are you? Enter your birthdate.
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I am The Wheel of Fortune The Wheel of Fortune represents unexpected encounters and twists of fate. You can't predict surprises; you can only be aware when one is circling around. Indeed, Card 10 often suggests wheel-like actions - changes in direction, repeating cycles and rapid movement. When the energy of the Wheel arrives, you will feel life speed up. You are caught in a cyclone that may deposit you anywhere. "Round and round and round she goes, and where she stops, nobody knows." For a full description of your card and other goodies, please visit LearnTarot.com
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What tarot card are you? Enter your birthdate.
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Sunday, October 03, 2004
Seems you created your own illusion
Fuelled by an image of me
Well I couldn't stay at your side
I wouldn't be right
A picture that I just don't see
Why do you have to make it so complicated
Can't it just be beautiful
I don't want to stifle your flight
I didn't mean to fall in love
Watched American Beauty; again, it's too haunting and too darkly surreal to ignore. Behind every face is an open door, behind every first impression lie countless untold stories. The ultimate reason for every man's unhappiness is this; that we always want what we cannot have.
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friday was a weird, moodswingy day...started out fantastic and started going downhill once the actual lectures (read:
giving out scripts) started. I still maintain that it't not my fault my hormones do the crazy things they do. PMSing is a universal excuse,
God Bless Womenkind.
Today's way better. After something like 13 hours of sleep I spent a lot of today integrating...successfully! Am so glad. Integration's one of those awful maths things that i have strange dreams about. Speaking of dreams: Another strange one last night. I dreamt that the whole A level's was compressed into 24 hours. As in, everyone goes into a big room, and you have 24 hours to complete all your papers, and everyone has the same amount of time no matter how many subs they're doing. And I was flipping cos I had like 6 papers to complete and for some reason my pen kept changing colour and just as I was on the verge of going ballistic (in the dream) the alarm clock mercifully rang. My sagacious mother concludes from this that I am under a lot of stress. Ahh well, isn't that a more or less permanent state of being at the moment? It's so infiltrated that people barely notice.
Had an interesting semi-rant/discussion with a friend that
Singaporean humans are like Singaporean trees. For one, they (the trees) are very
very neat, orderly, and obedient. I mean, look how nicely all the trees grow, in nice little straight rows down nice little straight paths. And trees only grow where the (for lack of a better word that share's its virtue of being suspiciously non-specific)
central planners tell them to. Errant, disobedient trees branches risk being chopped off and carted away, never to see the light of day again. And also: trees can't start sprouting where they want to, even if they did want to. Has anyone ever seen a Singaporean tree start growing on its own from
a seed? No, all our trees are ready grown, transplanted into local soil. ( We need foreign talent even in the gardening arena). YOu know all those things we learn in primary school where you leanr how trees have small, light seeds so that they can get blown to far away places where they can germinate, etc etc? Well, that's useless here. Trees, you're wasting your time.
Its so sad, really. In the process of becoming what we have become, I think we must have forgotten
who we are. I didn't mean to embark on an anti-govt rant or anything, as Jamie's Thami says,
distance breeds objectivity and I am neither. But it still bugs me.
I like this post, somehow. Goodnight
PS: Vas and I had a long SMS conversation, and we decided that the
real reason behind the govt plugging foreign talent was due to the notable lack of quality observed in local guys
Vas:
if you live in tj long enough you kind of forget what a real guy looks like
...foreign talent therefore needed to support the govt's big plan to make people get married and raise the birthrates, etc. Ok, shoot me. I'm not inclined towards being politically correct and sensitive at the moment.
I'm missing
Insomnia48. Darn.
Also: Excellent book of poetry - Stories of
Amnesia by Alfian Saat. It's an AHHH, midnight when its raining kinda book. I discovered it in the library, read two poems and promptly replaced it because I knew I'd be buying it sooner or later. If anyone sees it, tell me. Local non-catherine lim books are surprisingly difficult to find.
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