who says we can't all be happy? :)

Thursday, September 29, 2005

I have a paper due on Thursday and another one on Friday, a test on Saturday and a speech to make on Bubblegum.

I know it doesn't sound like much but the Chatterley essay is driving me up the wall. Not to mention the fact that I have to somehow comment on my lit text and read my econs notes when I managed to leave the two items in question at home.

Im super sleepy. And I was depressed, but not anymore. I shall but the full blame on DH Lawrence and his lousy sex scenes.

This though is amusing:

We are all doomed unless the one hope of civilization is understood immediately: "it's going down the bottomless pit, across the chasm. And believe me, the only bridge across the chasm will be a phallus" The metaphor is an unhappy one; in respect of penile length the future hardly seems promising

Quote Unquote Kate Millett, feminist and queen of wry humour at the expense of male pomposity. To quote SPG, who says size doesn't matter?

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Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Life doesn’t need to be perfect.
I don’t need to have everything.
And making choices doesn’t necessarily entail the loss of one thing in exchange for another.

There are periods in my life that are characterized more precisely by music than anything else. And right now the soundbite on repeat mode in my head (and on my laptop too) is

You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful
You’re beautiful, it’s true
I saw your face in a crowded place and
I don’t know what to do
You’re beautiful, you’re beautiful
And I can’t escape the truth
I will never be with you.

I heard it played live sitting at Fish and Co with the whole Borders group, and again at Wala with Phil Cal Val and while playing silly finger games and drinking vodka sprite.

And countless times curled up in bed in the wee hours of the morning dreaming thinking feeling lost in my own private universe with my little green lime scented candle sending silhouettes dancing across the walls.

It reminds me of sitting alone on the swings in PGP at 3 in the morning.
Or sitting by the pool watching ripples fan out from the tips of my toes.

My quarrel with life has always been that I want to do too much, too soon, and all at the same time. And the fear of not getting my everything was overwhelming and constant. I have thrown myself headfirst into life, afraid that there would be something life had to offer that I was missing, that I wasn’t filling up my time with enough stuff.

And for everything I did I would wonder if I could possibly have done something else.
Every moment of happiness always left me fighting to prolong it, to hold on to the unholdable and to store it, if possible, as a talisman against future sorrow.

But not everything is meant to be stored, just as life, and most of the things that make it, are not meant to last. There is beauty in transience and loss as well, beauty that will touch us for the briefest of moments and then disappear, leaving us only with the memory of its light. Just as life, with all its noble aspirations and lofty ideals, will inevitably end in dust and decay.

And in spite of the brevity and apparent meaningless-ness of life, most of us are rather glad to be here, are we not? Nothing lasts forever, but while they do exist we will do well to enjoy the moment.

We must first learn to accept whatever life tosses us without rancour or greed. And when that is done, neither regret past mistakes nor yearn for what is past and gone and will never return.

And through it all rest in the knowledge that there are no unhappy endings in the story that we craft for ourselves.

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Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Is true love truly there, my love?
Yes, if your warm heart is

Define true love for me, I can’t.

Come to think of it, define love. I can’t either.

If love itself denies falsity, then all loves must be truth. A false love would deny itself out of existence. Otherwise it quite simply would not be love at all.

It has always amazed me, the way love can be based on so much, and so little, and ultimately still mean the same thing. There must be some defining standard for what is love, and what isn’t, and it is separated not by time, nor space, nor anything quantifiable.

I mean, people can be like, married for ten years or something and then just up and leave each other. Citing irreparable differences. Or something. And what happens to all those years in between? Surely something must have been holding them together, and if it wasn’t love, then what?

Sam thinks marriage is a purely financial agreement with sex added on the sidelines. And kids as an added bonus to keep us alive in old age.

And on the other hand of the spectrum we have the fairytale romances, the idealized Hollywood love story, the stuff that tragedies and paperback romance novels are made of. Where a 1 week/3 day/1 night/2 hour/5 second encounter is enough to keep two people burning with love and desire for the rest of their lives.

No wonder we’re all confused.

be with me, my beloved love

PS: Eric Khoo’s latest is beautiful, minimalist, and haunting. It’s also one of the quietest movies i've seen.

you should all watch it.

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Saturday, September 17, 2005

"If I am honest I will admit that I have always wanted to avoid love. Yes give me romance, give me sex, give me fights, give me all the parts of love but not the simple single word which is so complex and demands the best of me this hour this minute this forever."

Jeanette Winterson

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Friday, September 16, 2005

When caught up in the whirl of life's rich pagaent its easy to believe that the moment's happiness, and transport, and giddy distraction is enough, will always be enough to sustain life. That we need no commitments or ties, that the moment is all that matters.

On better days I can imagine a life of utter solitude that actually seems livable. It takes place in a large room with glass windows filled with light and music. On better days this image of quiet beauty is enough to keep me at peace with the world at large.

And i need nothing more than this life and all that is in it

But solitude has its limitations. And at this point in time I don't want to be alone. I can't bear to be left to myself and I don't know where to turn.

As disgustingly cheesy as this may sound, i wish there was someone who loved me

I am incapable of dealing with reality and its messiness. I think I actually prefer imaginary, unrealistic romances because at least there isn't the chance of being let down.

We learn to expect so much from love and romanticism - and then they fail us. Oh fortunate beings, those who have learned to handle this; whose hearts don't shatter everytime reality stabs their ideals in the back.

oh screw this is so emo

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Thursday, September 15, 2005

The world seems bent on giving me a far easier lesson than I am trying to give myself.

I'm trying for once in my life to not be completely selfish and somehow it doesnt seem to sit so well with the general parties involved.

And i figure; live and learn. given enough time we will end up doing what is right.

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Friday, September 09, 2005

I can
I can't
I thought i was right
Maybe i wasn't

Theoretically it seemed easier
Than it does in real life.

And paper hearts don't bleed.

Forgive me

I can't risk any more than i have.

And I don't want you to hate me. You might.
Possibly, if not already

Fuck the world.
Its unspeakably cold tonight.

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Thursday, September 08, 2005

Today while waiting for me to finish swimming at SRC my friend kathleen was accosted by the resident lifeguard with the worst pick up line ever.

Quote unquote:
i wait for a movie were you ok...you look is so swee

Respect to anyone out there who can tell me what that means in ordinary English. Excuse me. swee?????

Another bad pick up line from a random dude at Momo during Arts bash

Oh, you're from NUS? I was there 6 years ago and have since moved on to greater things. Now I'm at Shell.

Yeah? petrol oooh impressive. And then later:

Nevermind the fact that you're 19 or whether or not oyu have a boyfriend; the fact is that you are a woman

Like I need you to tell me.

That's it for now.
Swee you later

* * * * * *

I can't live with or without you

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Monday, September 05, 2005

What would be worse: To give it up and learn that i was wrong, or to stick to it and find out i was right?

In any case, the wrongs or rights don't matter, because i can only discover their truths when its too late to rectify them.

Rationality: Goodbye.

Today I also managed to lose my nets card while shopping in Tampines. Fortunately I went on a trawl through all the shops I visited and managed to retrieve it.

Its an improvement at least; I've stopped losing my wallet and am now only misplacing assorted components of it. yes it is an improvement vas. Dont laugh.

* * * * * * *

and all i want is an answer

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Friday, September 02, 2005

If you could see the lover in me
And we can join our hands together
You could see how good it could be
We'll sing these stupid songs forever

Can you feel it
Love is here
It has never been so clear
You can't love what you have not
So hold on to what you've got

If you could see the aching in me
I'd change my name in case you lost me
Trembling down to my knees
I've got to leave the world behind me

Can you feel it
Love is here
It has never been so clear
You can't love what you have not
So hold on to what you've got

* * * * *
If you put your heart against mine I think they would say the same thing

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Thursday, September 01, 2005

I have lost my matric card. I'm so pissed with myself i refuse to even append an "again" at the back of that sentence.

Thankfully it wasnt attached to the rest of my wallet this time around.

On a brighter note, the I and the Z are hitting off marvelously, and I swam 15 laps in the pool today with Kat and Aileen.

I also helped a lost polish boy find his way to bock 14. He had a big bag a little bag and a dinky carlburg brolly that I carried.

* * * * *
To love, friendshup, and happiness

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