Saturday, July 31, 2004
I have been thinking a lot lately about the exact worth of a human life...or to be more precise, the worth of life
in general, if any, at all.
This is the effect Kundera has on me. There's a reference to a german adage in
The Unbearable Lightness Of Being that's been ringing in my head:
What can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself? What happens but once might as wel not have happened at all.
And the strange thing is...how perfectly true it is. We humans are such fools, to believe that the things we do echoe in eternity. Because what happens but once and cannot return is little more than a shadow, without form or substance,
dead in advance. And no matter how painful or beautiful, no matter how horrendous or sublime a life is, once it is past and gone, its pain and beauty, its horror and sublimity, fade off into nothingness.
I am reminded of a line from a movie (two nights ago on arts central, i dont know the title):
Immortals, and immortality...to them the lives of ordinary men must seem like flowers; blooming and fading in a matter of but days...
If there is a God, (and I believe there must be one) He must be laughing at the foolishness of humankind, the pompous, self-important roles we have put ourselves in. How we strive for material wealth and social recognition, things which ultimately mean nothing, things which will not last, neither in this world or the next( if any). And if one thinks about it, even the noblest aspirations of this world
will come to pass; goodness and truth and love are concepts conjured by the human brain, they have no concrete reality except against the backdrop of human emotion. Put simply: We do not live forever, and when we die, all that we know, all that we have experienced, dies with us. And while the experiences of
your life may have had profound effects on
you, they have little bearing on the life of anyone else, and even if they did,
in the long run, we are all dead .
This is the unbearable lightness of being: To recognize that by existing within time, the sum of our lives is limited by our mortality. There is no "forever" in a universe where birth is only the forst step towards the grave. For anyone who wants to be remembered, who needs to know that his actions and deeds count for
something , this must be a terrible fate.
Perhaps the answer lies in religion. But that's too easy. Its a convenient answer because no one can really prove - or disprove- it.
I had a lot more to say, but this will do for now.
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Saturday, July 24, 2004
Twice this week I’ve walked through rain; once was happy and intentional, like floating through a sort of misty, airy dust, and the other time was, well, just sad and wet and soggy.
There was this once when I was going back home pretty late at night, and for some reason I had to cross an overhead bridge to get to the bus stop. And when I was walking across the top, it started raining. It was so sudden, the sudden appearance of all these little quicksilver streaks flying down in the golden-ness of the street lights. And it took me a while, but i realized, amazingly, that the other side of the bridge was totally dry. Not a drop of rain. That was a singularly arresting moment; it was almost like being in two places at the same time. Like standing right at the edge between two universes. I never really thought about the fact that rain
has to start and stop somewhere, i mean,
who does? But being in between, watching as the rain gradually extended itself to the other side of the bridge, well. It’s something i would like to remember.
It’s all these little in between moments in life when time arrests itself and the world takes on this sort of shimmering transience that make
living life seem so simple and easy. Like the brief period when the sun’s just coming out after a heavy rain, and the air takes on this cool, crystalline
clean-ness, and I can’t help but feel all clean and freshly scrubbed and happy to be alive as well. Or when the day just starts to get dark during that indefinable twilight period, when the sun fades into a mass of darkening sunset-coloured clouds. These are the moments that can exist purely as
moments, that cannot be grasped or prolonged, that must therefore be appreciated fully at their moment of being. They are indefinable because they only exist as in betweens; it is their indefinable nature that gives them their splendour.
This will probably sound horribly anachronistic, but really, I don’t need to make sense of the world; I just want to hold on to the fragments of fading beauty that remain.
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Thursday, July 22, 2004
This isn't really a post, its just a reply to some ranting in a friend's blog about the politics in singpapore or rather, the biting lack of. Nothing happening to my life except
1) giving blood tmr, and
2) really really inspired to go UK and study now. I think i even know what to do.
So here goes
Democracy and Opposition – Singapore apparently needs – I quote – “some kind of opposition leader with substantial support behind him” to qualify as a proper democracy. It’s not like there are no opposition parties here; there are, maybe they have relatively small (minute? microscopic?) slices of the political pie, but they do exist nonetheless. As for the substantial support bit, well, it
is up to the voters to determine how much support these parties get, I mean, the support won’t come magically out of nowhere...if these people want support they have to give people a reason to support them
There’s a sort of “don’t fix what isn’t broken” mentality thing going on here. If the current government’s doing fine, why risk going after some obscure little party that hasn’t done the least to prove itself? Not being revolutionaries doesn’t make most Singaporeans politically apathetic; it just makes them rational and welfare maximizing. And furthermore, there are opposition leaders who just give the opposition a lousy name. Think Chee Soon Juan. And Jayaratnam.
One more teeny thing about why there are hardly any worthy people standing for the opposite side…the government’s very good at preying upon
potential good opposition from an early age. What else do you think happens to all the psc scholars of the world? And it’s these people who are most likely to be concerned about the political future of the economy. So basically, they start hunting these people down
early, and give them wonderful jobs in the govt sector, and that way, they get the benefit of creative, non-govt viewpoints from interesting angles
without the messiness of fighting with opposition parties. (This also explains why the opposition people here are mostly such shitheads. Let me stress, MOSTLY.
Note: all this is very general. DO NOT quote me
Having said that, it’s also true that there’s not much chance for even the better opposition parties to rise up over here. You know the whole vicious cycle thing. and there’s a lot of suspicion about how the
current government draws up voting districts.
Politiking for Politiking’s sake – What exactly do you mean by politicking in the first place? I would assume you mean getting actively involved in what goes on in the government, being hyper aware of the political climate, etc etc.
Firstly, no one care’s about politicking for politicking’s sake. People at large are only concerned about politics inasmuch as it directly affects their lives. Two points here:
1. You’re right, i think most people have utmost faith in the government’s ability. So just let them do all the thinking and we’ll do whatever they want. And this is reinforced by how comfortably middle class most of the population is. There isn’t much reason for people to want to change anything, simply because they don’t think they have anything significant to be dissatisfied about. (And let’s face it, not many Singaporeans are all that bothered about the more problematic, potentially dissatisfaction-inducing issues like freedom of speech – the lack thereof- )
2. I hate saying this but there really isn’t a lot of point getting involved. Singapore isn’t Switzerland, where every little national decision depends on the response of the people. The general public doesn’t decide anything here…the only things we get to decide on are the people who get to make decisions for us. And what’s more, the government’s ultra super efficient here…policy gets decided, gets announced in the news, and it’s up and running with effect from the next day. Find space in there for the input of the public’s views. And so, effectively, what’s the point of having a voice if no one’s going to listen?
This bit is interesting, thought you all should read it and maybe think about it too. Extracted from the post to which this post is a reply to. read
here
Huxley: This is where it gets creepy. I think Singapore's the closest thing on Earth to Huxley's Brave New World. In Brave New World, the government resorts to social engineering and cloning, and its leader (I only remember him as 'his Fordship') will not let anyone disrupt the culture and class order. The Singaporean government is extremely practical and willing to resort to anything for the economy as long as it doesn't disrupt society. Not to mention IVF and stem-cell cloning is not banned in Singapore. In Brave New World, people blindly accept their lives as is. In Singapore I dare say that's the case for a lot of the people here. Did I mention that they're also terribly obedient to the government? In Brave New World, people are so homogenised that they lose their identity. In Singapore, there is this sentiment against standing out (frequently expressed by the terms "Don't be AA" -- Attract Attention). In Brave New World, the only thing people do are miniature golf, tennis, and watch the "feelies". There's isn't much else to do in Singapore. What else can I conclude?
This is very strange…to my knowledge, just about
any government would want the best for their economy inasmuch as it doesn’t adversely affect social norms. In fact, to my knowledge (and yours, obviously) the government here is extra extra picky about making sure things that happen don’t affect the social balance. Social engineering takes place to some extent, everywhere, and cloning isn’t yet an issue. And IVF and stem-cell cloning…don’t make me start an essay on it, there’s no way you can dismiss these as being totally morally wrong, which you appear to be doing. In fact, a lot of your criticisms could just as well be directed to any other society in most places.
I sort of agree with your attract attention point though. In fact, I think it’s a bit weirder than that. People can be accepted for standing out, provided their standing out is within some pre-defined region. So its sort of like, standing out, but within the norm (i’m not sure if you get this but i think you might). Would like to give an example but there are none forthcoming at the moment. Apologies.
One last point: no one plays miniature golf here! And ok, there are things to do here if you’re the sort who goes out looking. Don’t argue. This you know is true.
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Thursday, July 15, 2004
well. finally got the moderated grades out today, not that i'm delighted with them or anything, but here they are anyway:
Bio - C
Econs - C
Chem - D
Maths - D
Nice and easy. My tradition of making little words out of my grades has been disrupted (FADE for promos, DACE for MCTs). Well, I don;t know what to think. I'm going from an extreme case person (large variance,etc, ranges from A to F) to a sort of average, passable person (Cs and Ds, blah) Is that a good thing? I have funny images of flattened out sine curves in my head, you know, change in magnitude in both positive and negative directions, etc etc...but i digress.
Oh well. Its only June. HAfi and Sherrina and me have a nice filled out study plan in the early stages of implementation. Pray hard that it works. Speaking of which..sherri's *surprise* birthday rocked! Hanging out at Yakun eating toast at 8pm at night rocked! Eating 2 cakes in 4 days rocked! And greetings to Charlie Orales Chen.
Nothing much to say actually. I'm back to sleepless mode though. Slept at 2 last night, as a result of which i woke up at 6.45, nearly an hour later than i usually do. And i was late, but fortunately it rained. Rain is a good excuse for lateness. Its also very soporific, which explains my skipping chem lecture
*guilty-ness* BUT nonetheless, today was interestingly productive....managed to study a chapter of econs, play tennis, and run, all within the space of the 4 hours after school.
Yes, life CAN be interesting
Ravi Menon says that the subjects you study in school don't matter because in the workforce, its flexible competitiveness that counts and not domain knowledge.
And so technically, a history student could become the manager of a multinational company because as long as he has synapses that fire in the right directions he can just pick up relevent skills
along the way
What ideal universe does he live in? Isn't that the whole point of there being different subject combinations? You see yourself doing something sciency in future, therefore you give up lit to study chem. There are like, requirements for studying certain subjects in uni? Like, a pure arts person can't just simply hop over into a science fac if he decides that that's where his interent
really lies. And yep, the question of what provisions there were for arts students was pretty nicely hedged. Wouldn't you expect a person studying humanities to want to do sth associated with that in the future? And what jobs are there, besides teaching, that really allow these people to pursue their interests?
Ugghhh come on down from the clouds hello?
My nose is honking non-stop. im catching a cold, sigh. Shall we end here?
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Monday, July 12, 2004
Its raining outside now, wonderful time to sleep, but i’m not in a sleepy mood.
I wish i was a little less confused, a little less temperamental, a little less capricious. I wish i knew myself well enough to make decisions based on something more than pure gut instinct.
I found out something about myself today, or rather, i got started thinking about this particular something concretely. Basically, I’m lousy at dealing with problems. You know, most people do have particular people they talk to or call or write to when they need advice on stuff, whether it’s a close friend or someone higher up in the experience scale...or whatever. well i don’t! As in, its not like i don’t have people to talk to, and its not like i’m totally problem-free…i just, well, don’t. I talk a lot, like, i have things to say, but its never really deep, and even if i do tell when something is wrong with me, its narrated, like lets here a sad story today, rather than like a pouring out my of soul type thing.
I don’t know, perhaps its because i don’t like too many people seeing what my weaknesses are, and of these there are many, and i feel/..i dunno, exposed. Maybe I just don’t trust people enough. Maybe i don’t trust myself enough to let random people in on the great details of my life and worry about what they’ll think of me after. And furthermore, i really don’t like the thought of my confidante to be inwardly dying of boredom while I’m sob my heart out to him/her. And, oh, i don’t know, i just can’t think of anyone who i could talk to, even if i do get over my crisis of trust (enter GP comprehension) Its almost sad really, that despite everything, and by everything i mean good everythings, I’m still drifting around alone, in my own lonely little bubble.
And this thing about getting advice. I don’t have a lot of faith in other people’s advice either. Different people have different ways of looking at things, and their opinions are always always subjective. And no one can guarantee that advice from a more experienced/ well-meaning/ sensible/ good friend is always right. Right? And finally, I’m me, and i know me best, so i should be the best person to make decisions for myself. Right? wrong
I’m never ever rational! I’m forever doing things based on instinct. Like, whatever feels right just goes . Which, i have to admit, is a terrible way to make decisions. But it’s worked well, i have faith in my own instinct; its at least more reliable than the advice of only marginally informed individuals. And furthermore, at least when i do make a lousy decision, i know for a fact that the mistake is purely my own doing and i wasn’t like, coerced into doing something against my better judgment, so to speak. But oh no oh no, this makes me do crazy things, crazy, impulsive things that i don’t know whether i should regret or not. Sometimes i think it really would be better for me to enlist an army of sensible, level headed advisors to prevent me from freewheeling into my own insane universe when i’m supposed to be living an ordinary life. But I can’t! and yeah, we’ve gone through this argument before.
The release of the GP results was a traumatic event…apparently the whole standard did not so great, but still, that’s cold comfort for anyone who did badly. And the terrible-est thing is that there are a zillion people who deserve to do way better than they do, and who deserve better grades than mine, but don’t get it. Its so bloody unfair, and GP essays are impossible to approach objectively. I wish i could just transfer my grades to everyone, oh gosh, this doesn’t make any sense but i really feel terrible. Does this bit sound patronizing and smug? It’s not meant to be. I just had to let it out, it was bugging me big time and i didn’t know what to do with myself. Hey people, trust that you’ll do better next time, i won’t say its easy but its not impossible. So good luck you all.
Matchbox Twenty’s If You’re Gone woke me up in the middle of last night..just sat there, letting the lyrics wash all over me…i don’t know why, it just made me start crying. It’s got this…undercurrent of resignation that’s sad yet beautiful, like when you know that losing something is inevitable and yet you try to hold on, if only to give yourself that extra tiny measure of hope. And its loss like the splitting of the soul .
If you're gone, maybe it's time to come home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
but I can hardly move
If you're gone, baby you need to come home
There's a little bit of something me
in everything in you
Sigh. My head is telling me to do something that i cannot will not do
Sometimes i think i can, and then something else happens that makes me think, no way, its impossible. Today was an impossible day. But that’s besides the point, there are some things that just don’t fit on blogs.
Still, (and i quote vasudha) insanity can be cured.
Ciao.
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Friday, July 09, 2004
I have restored my faith in the goodness of humankind.
Its so nice to have one of these incidents hit you that make you realize how wonderfully nice people can be.
This is seriously embarrassing but here goes…was going home on 12, uneventful day, post PE sleepiness, etc, and like most normal people, i got up and walked out of my seat when the bus was close to my stop. Remember, post PE sleepiness, plus i was thinking like, oh damn, my marks suck, and oh damn, i have no money and i have 2 birthdays coming and hmm, whats for dinner, and…WHAM.
And the bus jerks, and before i can even think of grabbing onto one of those swingy bar things that i’m almost too short to reach anyway, i’m flying. So i try to react, like reach out and grab something! anything! but somehow that throws me off balance even more and i get tossed from somewhere near the middle of the bus to right in front, where i was fortunately rescued by all the nice people who got up to catch me. No kidding. They actually stood there to break my fall. i just thought it was really sweet.
So i got up, dazed and confused and in pain (blueblack on my waist now, i crashed into a briefcase) and i was totally clueless. i had no phone, no file, no sigg bottle, and i was standing there trying to decide whether i should burst out in laughter or start crying. Then this funny guy goes, don’t get off yet! you must find your phone! and then did it, i started laughing.
And then all the way on the other side of the bus this lady yells, i see it! It’s there! and half the world rushes to retrieve my phone from some under the seat corner, while the other half hangs onto me to stop me from falling. again. (embarrassing!)
Its unexpectedly nice when so many people who don’t even know you are so very enthusiastic and willing to help. I mean, seriously. This is living disproof of the lousy theory that Singaporeans are an apathetic, selfish lot. It felt, i dunno, really good.
Haha, and i met the funniest little old lady who got off at the same stop as i did...having been on the same bus as me she had no doubt witnessed my humiliating fall…and when we got off, i discovered that (grossness) my right knee was totally messed up and you know, blood all over, etc, and i had freaky scratches all over my arms (re: briefcase) and this funny sweet old lady decided that, for the sake of the safety and survival of yours truly, she absolutely had to escort me across the road, even though we lived on opposite sides. And she did, al the while lecturing me in Chinese/ Hokkien about the perils of not hanging onto the bars when standing on a bus. I do not generally enjoy being lectured by little old ladies in languages that i can barely understand, but the whole incident was so sweet and so silly that i chuckled all the time she was talking.
And that was the uplifting event of the day, yeah, people are nice and its great to find that out first hand. There is hope for human nature after all ;)
Life rocks.
Love ya.
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Thursday, July 01, 2004
yay its over.
i'm drained and currently preoccupied with thinking of stuff to do to utilize the next 5 *free* days as much as possible
my plan to run with denise at pasir ris was ruined by the rain. oh well.
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