Monday, July 12, 2004
Its raining outside now, wonderful time to sleep, but i’m not in a sleepy mood.
I wish i was a little less confused, a little less temperamental, a little less capricious. I wish i knew myself well enough to make decisions based on something more than pure gut instinct.
I found out something about myself today, or rather, i got started thinking about this particular something
concretely. Basically, I’m lousy at dealing with problems. You know, most people do have particular people they talk to or call or write to when they need advice on stuff, whether it’s a close friend or someone higher up in the experience scale...or whatever.
well i don’t! As in, its not like i don’t have people to talk to, and its not like i’m totally problem-free…i just, well, don’t. I talk a lot, like, i have things to say, but its never really deep, and even if i do tell when something is wrong with me, its narrated, like
lets here a sad story today, rather than like a pouring out my of soul type thing.
I don’t know, perhaps its because i don’t like too many people seeing what my weaknesses are, and of these there are many, and i feel/..i dunno, exposed. Maybe I just don’t trust people enough. Maybe i don’t trust
myself enough to let random people in on the great details of my life and worry about what they’ll think of me after. And furthermore, i really don’t like the thought of my confidante to be inwardly dying of boredom while I’m sob my heart out to him/her. And, oh, i don’t know, i just can’t think of anyone who i could talk to, even if i do get over my
crisis of trust (enter GP comprehension) Its almost sad really, that despite everything, and by everything i mean
good everythings, I’m still drifting around alone, in my own lonely little bubble.
And this thing about getting advice. I don’t have a lot of faith in other people’s advice either. Different people have different ways of looking at things, and their opinions are always
always subjective. And no one can guarantee that advice from a
more experienced/ well-meaning/ sensible/ good friend is always right. Right? And finally, I’m me, and i know me best, so i should be the best person to make decisions for myself. Right?
wrong
I’m never ever rational! I’m forever doing things based on instinct. Like, whatever feels right just
goes . Which, i have to admit, is a terrible way to make decisions. But it’s worked well, i have faith in my own instinct; its at least more reliable than the advice of only marginally informed individuals. And furthermore, at least when i do make a lousy decision, i
know for a fact that the mistake is purely my own doing and i wasn’t like, coerced into doing something against my better judgment, so to speak. But oh no oh no, this makes me do crazy things, crazy, impulsive things that i don’t know whether i should regret or not. Sometimes i think it really would be better for me to enlist an army of sensible, level headed advisors to prevent me from freewheeling into my own insane universe when i’m supposed to be living an ordinary life. But I can’t! and yeah, we’ve gone through this argument before.
The release of the GP results was a traumatic event…apparently the whole standard did not so great, but still, that’s cold comfort for anyone who did badly. And the terrible-est thing is that there are a zillion people who deserve to do way better than they do, and who deserve better grades than mine, but don’t get it. Its so bloody unfair, and GP essays are impossible to approach objectively. I wish i could just transfer my grades to everyone, oh gosh, this doesn’t make any sense but i really feel terrible. Does this bit sound patronizing and smug? It’s not meant to be. I just had to let it out, it was bugging me big time and i didn’t know what to do with myself. Hey people, trust that you’ll do better next time, i won’t say its easy but its not impossible. So good luck you all.
Matchbox Twenty’s If You’re Gone woke me up in the middle of last night..just sat there, letting the lyrics wash all over me…i don’t know why, it just made me start crying. It’s got this…undercurrent of resignation that’s sad yet beautiful, like when you know that losing something is inevitable and yet you try to hold on, if only to give yourself that extra tiny measure of hope. And its loss
like the splitting of the soul .
If you're gone, maybe it's time to come home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
but I can hardly move
If you're gone, baby you need to come home
There's a little bit of something me
in everything in you
Sigh. My head is telling me to do something that i
cannot will not do
Sometimes i think i can, and then something else happens that makes me think, no way, its impossible. Today was an impossible day. But that’s besides the point, there are some things that just don’t fit on blogs.
Still, (and i quote vasudha) insanity can be cured.
Ciao.
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