Wednesday, August 25, 2004
What the fuck can i say..I'm just fucking tired. of life, of having to deal with my life, the messiness of it, and the fact that nothing seems to stay together no matter what i do.
I'm tired of being tired, i dont ever recall ever being this sick of
everything ever before. I mean, before this, there would always have been at least one, miniscule teeny thing that kept me floating above all the messiness. but what the fuck, let me swear a bit more, what the FUCK, i'm just tired.
things fall apart...are falling apart...even if i do try to keep myself together. Don't know who to talk to, even if i dod, i wouldn't know what to say. I dont expect anyone to save me from myself, no, even the people..the person, possibly, that i thought might has no way of doing so. and what on earth can i do to stop feeling so
out of control???
Too many expectation, things left unsaid but hovering around all the time, i know they're there, everyone does, threatening to descend anytime. in the fucking long run we're all fucking dead.
Can't decide if its just the prelims/ alevels stuff thats getting me down, or whether its just the whole sad everything. School never bothered me this much until now.
Life seemed manageable and escapable until now.
all i can say is,
somebody save me
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Wednesday, August 11, 2004
This was definitely not what i expected when i said i felt like something terrible would happen.
It was really weird…cos like, over the weekend, me and my parents were in Malaysia, taking advantage of the extended weekend, yadda…we got back Sunday night, which was when my mother found out that all through the weekend her whole family was trying to get her because one of her sisters (ie my aunt) who lived
in Malaysia had tried (unsuccessfully) to kill herself. So on Tuesday, all of them went back to visit her. Back on Tuesday night. And come Wednesday morning, at like 6 in the morning, the unsuccessful attempt, well, became successful.
Do I sound awfully callous? The whole previous paragraph sounded totally detached and unemotional. I mean, its my aunt, for Chrissakes. The thing is, it’s the first death that I’ve encountered that has actually had any sort of bearing on my life. Previously attended funerals (think
mother’s ex-classmate’s father in law types) don’t count, because they were sad, but only generally so. This is someone i
know.
I think i’m partly insulated because I saw her, but its still hard to believe that people i know
can actually die . My whole family’s pretty much in chaos now…and its especially horrible because it was a
suicide.
It must have been a pretty awful life…awful enough for her to choose to die, despite the pain and despite how frightening and creepy it had to be. If even death with all its connotations is preferable to life…I don’t know, i can’t imagine how bad everything must have been. It’s very haunting, the image of this desperate, lost soul, caught in between two inescapable hells, the living hell that she must struggle through each day, that can only be escaped by diving head first into a (possibly) darker and infinitely more inescapable one. If i was faced with these two alternatives, i doubt i would have the courage to do the latter. It takes a lot of courage to die. I think many of us would choose to
live with it , no matter how bad it got, rather than accept that we screwed up life so badly it might as well just end with a fullstop.
Would living a sort of half-life, drifting through existence like a shadow, be preferable to death? You know that thing that people always say…only with loss is there gain..i think its from one of deen’s blogs…well
what would anyone gain from such a death as this? . My mother says,
liberation .
She was apparent;y never really happy where she was, doing what she did. After the funeral and everything, she’s going to be cremated, and then the whole family’s driving back here to scatter the ashes into the sea.
because she loved to wonder i quote my grandmother.Sigh, its almost poetic and its almost beautiful, but its incredibly sad because it took a death to bring these into existence.
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Sunday, August 08, 2004
My blog is so terribly out of date. My wish list is outdated (it should be about three times its current length, so take heed). The movies and stuff are, ok, still fantastic and will always be, but they're
old. my attempted mini arts events listing is pretty much dead. I'm too tired - and BUSY - to deal with all of that at the moment. Ack
Went to Malacca and came back over the weekend. Key points to note:
1) Drinking at a very laid back open air place with its own little one man band who sings everything from robbie williams to songs so old even my dad can't figure out the singer's name to santana. Very very cool. We sat at one of those high tables and there was a misting fan, well,
misting down on everyone. The place (I think it's called Geographer's cafe, or something with the word Geographer in it) is especially funky because it was sitting nicely in between a
chai tau kueh stall and a shop with a bunch of guys hand-making wooden shoes. How cool is that? It's such a unique blend of old and new mixed up and stirred togeter, and yet there was this sort of rightness about the unlikely combination of everything there. Like an oxymoron. That isn't. That place has a personality. Its impossible to miss.
2) The food in there is G*O*O*D. Its so good it should be made a national treasure, locked up somewhere and chained in so that greedy creatures like me can't get at it. My butt feels extra heavy today, well surprise surprise. I'm glad I don't live there.
3) Its amazing how many Singaporeans chose to spend their national day in Malaysia. I mean, HELLO? Do the words NATIONAL PRIDE mean anything at all to you? We left there sometime this afternoon, and there were hordes of SGXs and SFCs tht were just beginning to come in. (Happy *One day prior to your* Birthday Singapore!) Think abut it: people would actually take advantage of national day to get out of the nation and go into
some other nation and spend
there. Bleearrgghhh. it's horribly ironic, dont you think?
The Malaysian press thought that the traffic jams caused by the multitudes of happy Singaporeans streaming into the country were an issue of sufficient importance to warrant it a little mention in the papers. That was funny.
I'm so sleepy now i could just die. Happy birthday Singapore.
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Wednesday, August 04, 2004
My dreams are dashed!
In an ideal world what Lynnette would do with her life once she's out of TJ would be to flap over to UK and study English literature. Preferably at Oxford. Or UCL. Or, even better but slightly less practically, she would do something Lit-ish but with a twist in it. English Literature and Film Studies (King's College London). Or Literature and Philosophy (Warwick). Hmm. Lit with a Twist. Like...Lit Float. Where Lit is the soda and Fim is the ice cream on top. Mix and match your own toppings etc. But ANYWAY. My problem in this non-ideal world is that there's no way I'm gonna get the soda! (ok, this is an analogy gone terribly wrong) Basically, the whole terrible unfairness of the world is that there's no way i can take Lit of ANY SORT in ANY COMBI in ANY halfway decent UK college because i freaking need E-Lit at Alevels. Which i happen not to have!
That sounded angry. It's supposed to sound sad actually, because I am...sad...that there's no way i can do what I've been wanting to do for so long. And yes, as much as I don't like it, it makes sense not to admit non-Alevel-Lit students. And i cannot say for sure that I will love studying Lit (i like reading...to bits, but its so long since I've read a book for anything more than my own pleasure) but i dunno, my gut instinct's going on overdrive lately. I've whined a lot about this to friends already..if you're one of the aforementioned, you can stop here, i wont blame you.
Some people think i do have a case for taking lit. In an ideal world, that would make a difference. In a non ideal world, it doesnt. Its very heartbreaking.
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