Friday, September 10, 2004
...describe me in as few words as possible words: The above being the answer of 24-hour emergency helpline and budy andrew lim yikai. Feel free to contribute, its narcissistic,yes i know but irresistably interesting. We're ALL closet egoists, ok?
drewie hows that for an ego bo0st (wrt your profile :)
despite a notable deficit of posts there's a lot that's happened within the past month? two months? Gotta start again, i miss writing. Happy birthday Taran!
First and most important thing i figured out: Its not that hard, and not that terrible being alone. I used to have a terrible phobia of doing anything at all alone, and i think
that might have gotten on people's nerves a bit. After my period of driftiness, well, came the realization that being alone is not always equal to lonely...the same way
not being alone is not always equal to
not being lonely . Quote Jamie: Its liberating. Being at peace with myself and my own company.
Have to say this, there's a singularly nice thing that a friend did for me that really touched me. I'm a maths idiot, and halfway through a desperate clutching at straws type session of maths-ing i messaged a friend to ask for help. Anyway it turned out she had the answer, but couldn't email it to me cos she had no scanner, and couldnt fax it cos i had no fax machine. So guess what, the funny girl actually put the solution in an envelope and SNAILED it to me. A maths solution! iN A WHITE ENVELOPE ! Its so funny and sweet, oh gosh, I was so simultaneously touched and amused. Kaishi babe, you know what I'm talking about. LOVE YA! remember the ice cream :)
Having said that, I realize that one of the things i value most in people is sincerity. ie, you mean what you say, you do what you promise, and you deal with issues straight up. I can't stand people who live life as though they have a huge invisible script. You can almost see the cues: *Cue: Express concern now!...*Cue: Nod to show solidarity now! I'm not sure how to describe it, but its intangibly there somehow. Maybe that's how cliques form: they all have the same cue cards. Which explains why some people don't fit in cliques. Then again, maybe everyone has scripts. The ones who are *different* have lousy cues. Question in point: is it better to be an individual and stick out, or to somehow conform and be like everyone else?
The main problem with this question is that i doubt people conform or stick out
consciously by choice . They just
happen to, you know, have matching cue cards. ie they just happen to have personalities that stick. We have a term for people who deliberately go out of the way to make themselves stand out, not necessarily in very appealing ways. The term is
EXTRA. But if you were *different* by nature, to what extent would you cover up the different-ness to fit in with everyone else?
I have a personality problem. I don't stand out and I dont fit in. What does that make me?
*little insecurities: everybody has them.
Had a long talk with my dearest bestest friend down under last night. It felt good, like, to talk properly after all the months of non-conversation. I hope I dont lose a best friend. You know how hard it is to find really good friends? And I have like, great skill in choosing friends who end up moving far far away. and i've lost a few friends this way already, regretfully...not a trend i would want to continue. If two souls are truly connected, it won't matter how time or space seperates them, I believe true friends will be able to pick up where they stopped..or rather...paused. True friendship doesnt really end ,does it? I know thats a corny chicken soup type line, but it's the best way to put it. So jamie babe, no more surface convversations...dont want to lose you as a friend.
With regards t more little insecurities: prelims are like, hours away. I'm not prepared. If I do badly i probably deserve it. I hate this system, i hate the way it makes people stupid. There are a thousand things i want to do, books to read, new stuff to try out, et cetera. Things that I can't do because, by virtue of the fact that my GRADES are the only thing that matters in this country, the major part of my time is spent trying to make these GRADES look halfway decent. Which seriously doenst make sensem because AAAA is only a means to an end; and the intrinsic value of AAAA? not much really. But one shouldnt complain. I have my dreams, a plan to live a life that goes beyond mere day to day survival, and i will NOT let the system defeat me. So cheers. Tag me anyone who agrees.
Again, I end with a quote type thing, song lyrics this time:
And I wish her insight to battle love's blindness
strength from the milk of human kindness
a safe place for all the pieces that scattered
learn to pretend there's more than love that matters
~Indigo Girls
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