who says we can't all be happy? :)

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Your Beauty liesin Contradiction. Controversial, unpredictable, and
never what anyone expects.You appearance and your personality are two
opposite things. Even yourappearance sends different signals to different
people. To some you may lookinnocent and sweet, to others you look mysterious
and intimidating at the sametime. No one ever knows what to expect with you.
You are a little bit ofeverything all mixed together. You can be watching
the football game with theguys one minute and the next out shopping at the
mall. You seem to be almost adifferent person every time you meet someone, but
at the same time you knowexactly who you are and there is always that one
thing that makes you you. Youenjoy keeping people guessing and people love how
completely unpredictable youare.

Some ThingsThat Represent You:

Element:Fire, Water Animal: Chameleon Color:
Dark Tones, LightTones Song: Everything by Alanis Morriesette
Expression:Half-smile

Gemstone:Opal Mythological Creature: Gryphon,
Half-breeds Planet: Mars Hair
Color: Red Eye Color:Brown

Quote:"Appearances can be deceiving."

Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
brought to you by

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23,000 is a fairly large number to say the least

A death of a loved one can shatter you, and another, and another, but there comes a time when you must learn to let go. People have told me that it gets easier to handle the deaths of loved ones with age, as an increasing number of friends or family pass them by. Perhaps, with experience, we will understand that death is not the nightmare we imagine it to be; that it is not for us to judge an eternity that we do not know.

Perhaps there is a certain threshold, beyond which death will cease to affect us. There are just too many ways to die these, and just too many people dying. I don’t believe the human heart was designed to cope with the amount of grief needed to mourn the loss of so many. And so tragedy leaves us blasé and unaffected; terrorist attacks and strange disease outbreaks fill us with many things (horror, outrage, fear) but seldom does sorrow take the centre stage. I can recall a time when Newsweek articles or programmes on starving orphans in Somalia or African Aids victims could reduce me to a crumpled, crying heap. They haven’t done that in a long time.

But how can anyone remain blasé about 23,000 deaths? 23,000 lives cast out from their homes, driven by the tides to a distant shore far lonelier than the one they leave behind. Just imagining the collective loss of 23,000 lives is horrifying enough. It is infinitely more excruciating when one considers each of these lives as individuals, as distinct personalities, as people we might have known. How can one stand in the face of such tragedy and remain indifferent? Death on such a scale goes beyond the sadness of loss; one is forced to look death in the eye and recognize one’s own humanity.

To recognize one’s own humanity would be to recognize that all of mankind is united, simply because it is us that make up humanity. Watching lives being thrown away, by the thousands is not something anyone can easily ignore.

Yet it is possible. One particular incident struck me as being singularly sad. There was this guy in the news whose family had planned to visit Phuket on a holiday. The flight to Phuket was cancelled, disrupting the family’s holiday plans and forcing them to make alternative arrangements. And instead of feeling gratitude for having averted a possible tragedy, instead of expressing sorrow for the immense losses suffered by the victims in their home countries, this person fumes about not receiving compensation from the airline for the cancellation of their flight. What kind of a fucked up person can, at a time like this, look at the camera in the eye and speak of something as banal as money? be glad I do not know your name, sir, or else it would be vilified on this page beyond redemption. As a Singaporean, I am ashamed to be born on the same land that has hatched such soulless worms as yourself.

Friends tell me this is a sign of the coming Apocalypse. Would they have preferred death to facing eternal judgement? If the events of the past two days have indeed been deliberate acts of God, I have to say that I do not understand Him.

Still, there are those that have survived, and they need any help they can get.

Message received via SMS: Collection of essentials ie clothing, medicine, dried food, etc at No 19 Dalhousie Lane (behind Tekka Mall) to help Sri Lanka victims. Please send in by Wednesday and forward this message. Thank you.
Guess all we can do is hope for a better day tomorrow, and pray for the souls of those who have left us.

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Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Had a little rant at a certain someone last night..while it didn’t quite manage to chase away the little demons bugging me, it did help to clear the air somewhat, and now the thoughts floating through my head are pretty much cheery, happy ones.

Phoebe and I went salsa hunting and spent an hour or so meandering along Clarke quay trying to locate the elusive shop unit that was the dance studio. Over lunch (at prospective employee soupspoon, tee hee hee) we finally got round to deciding to start lessons at Attitude Dance Studio.

“You pay for the lseeons, the attitude comes free!”

Present shopping in the afternoon was similarly lovely and meandering. We rooted out a fabulous little shop in Far East selling 2nd hand CDs at pretty cool prices. And they were all neat and arranged and everything, and the a lot of the albums were actually within my universe. Absolutely loved the place, and I foresee myself going there a lot. Got me an Oasis album at ten bucks, yay-ness. I’m also planning to sell off my old and unwanted (and embarrassing and generally noise pollutive) CDs too.

FYI everyone, the shops called Inokii at #03-30 Far East Plaza.

Well, today was a do things day and not a think about things day and so I guess i don’t really want to bore everyone with fascinating little details about the exact components of my dinner and so forth, so i guess I’ll pen off here.

Ps: Here’s an intelligent thing I said during an MSN conversation which impressed a friend so much he made it his temporary nickname:

“Difference” is something others see in you, and not something you inflict upon the world

As a matter of fact, I guess that will form the basis for my next entry, soething that’s been running back and forth through my head but has yet to crystallize properly. So goodbye for now.

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Checking out LA dance and Attitude for the salsa with phoebe tomorrow

Also found a job at a funky, happy little joint called soupspoon - it's located at the basement of Raffles City. I love that place, I love the food, and I've made it my personal mission to introduce as many of my friends to the place as possible. Its a dream after the strange DW shit and odd marketing jobs. So soupspoon, here I come *grin*

And maybe, just maybe, I'll find enough stuff to fill my time with to distract myself from the darkness that threatens to come crashing down on me. Whoever knew time could pass this slowly?

It isn't fair, but since when was anything?

I'm not even sure I have a reason to feel the way i do. Still, its been a fucking week, and thats long enough time for anyone.

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Monday, December 20, 2004

Strange day today spent job-hunting. You’d be surprised at the odd things that turned up. And learn not to trust ads in the papers they are the extreme in euphemisms.

For example, this place we called up told us they were a life sciences company. We went there and they turned out to be selling ~~bio-magnetic pillows~~ and mattresses and quilts and chairs and whatnot. Bio-magnetism?? Excuse my ignorance, but what?? Also, they went by the seemingly banal name of DW co. but being curious and inquiring individuals we had to find out what DW stood for…ok, get this : ~~Dolphin Warrior~~ . I kind of thought it rather cheesy. The explanation given by their PR person being that dolphins were the most intelligent sea mammals and we had to aspire to be like them, and that being in sales was like fighting a battle, so all their staff could consider themselves warriors. Hmm profound.

After an hour of very confusing walking through their office units, opening doors to rooms filled with people walking into more rooms filled with more people opening more doors and seeing more people opening and closing doors etc etc, it started to feel too much like a very elaborate and theatrical exercise with no actual point to it. I think I’ll pass. And the pay is confusing. I don’t know why but I don’t trust the place too much.

Also signed up with a tuition agency, and checked out another marketing place. Under the line marketing its called. Very euphemistic too. More job hunting tomorrow, this time with Diana…old friend that i ran into at the strange DW place. At the rate I’m going I’ll be happy to stick to waitressing in Fish and Co. Or NYDC, where I’m going tomorrow. And Borders, please, please hire me.

Had interesting conversations too, catching up with Phoebe whom I haven’t seen in like 2 years. Its surprising how little seem to change. I feel like she’s basically the same; and even though I feel like I changed a lot, she says I’m basically the same too. I guess when you only know people on the surface its difficult to detect the little, non-surfacey things that happen with them. But still, I’m glad we get along fairly well now. I sort of used to not be able to stand her, and I can’t for the life of me remember why now (cheers, Pho-Elephant-Be =) ). Also planning to take salsa lessons with her. Get me out of my semi vegetative state NOW!

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Sunday, December 19, 2004

Here's a meme I picked up that I thought was kinda cute. Bloggers! Propagate!

Pick your birth month and cross (strike) out what doesn't apply to you. To strike out you use the S tag. So for the cross out you would surround the "strike out" with ~~strike out~~ . Then post the whole list for the next person or link back to here. (insert link later)

JANUARY:

Stubborn and ~~hard-hearted~~. Ambitious and ~~serious~~. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. ~~Rather reserved~~. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic ~~but has difficulties expressing love.~~ Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very Stubborn and ~~money cautious.~~

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Today was an interesting day

It began with breakfast, followed by a fight with my mother about (guess again) my father. I swear, its so bloody irritating. Help me understand this: For the past 10 years of my life she’s been giving me this independent woman shit about how we donpt have to rely on people to do stuff for us, and then now that she suddenly needs a life to an ulu and non-gettable by public transport remote corner of Tuas she needs me to call my dad ask him for a ride. I mean, fine, so I don’t like the idea but I call anyway, but it’s not like my fucking fault that he’s not suddenly available and free to ferry her around the island. Is it? And like, brilliant, scream at me when I suggest she take a cab. So you’d rather get a life from some person you barely talk to than atch a cab and pay twenty bucks. Well excuse me if I don’t understand your twisted logic. And all the above warrants an hour of scream cry scream some more, cry some more, walk out of room, slam the door, open door to scream some more, bang door again, yadda yadda yadda God frustrating and damn depressing,

Well the second funny thing happened on the train…its another of what a friend has labeled a public transport event Or something to that effect, its hard to remember what exactly people say when you hardly talk to them, you know. Anyway, I was standing in the corner of the train reading this book…Quantum Evolution by and I was at this really interesting bit about em and cem waves in the brain and how every single decision made is actually the result of some sort of quantum leap between two superpositions of electrons somewhere… whatever, I can’t be bothered to think and explain right now, suffice to say that that book was, and still is way over my head. Well anyway in the middle of reading this guy standing next to me just went “excuse me…” and went on this spiel about how sorry he was about reading the book over my shoulder, but he thought it was really interesting and could he have a look (he could) and he ended up wanting to borrow it. Do I lend books to unknown strange people I meet on trains? Yes definitely. Anyway it was a bit of a mess because the whole conversation took place between bugis and cityhall, so I ended up shoving the book at him, and saving his number and then running out. Anyway it turned out he was studying at SMU, and we had a fairly interesting SMS conversation about my book, books in general (meet fellow fan of Sophie’s World!), and other little small talk stuff.

So I talk to strangers and give my number out to people I meet on the street. Not a good idea but what the hell, what’s life without little explosions of spontaneity? And besides, its good to spread word of a good book.

I also managed to get my mother’s Christmas present, at long last. Got a really pretty antique looking bracelet with flower charms dangling from Eclectic Attic. Really expensive too…something like 3 times the recommended budget, but I think I was feeling a little guilty about losing her previous silver one. Come to think of it, I guess it might function as a sort of replacement, at least for the time being. Like Cass says, I need to atone for my sins, haha. Oh, they’re sort of hiring part time on a long term basis, so there you go. Filled up a form and everything. I think my criteria for employment is: I have to be surrounded by things I like, and I want to be around people, and not files/ phones/ paper/ machines. So cross your fingers, once again.

I also need to rant a little, its been a bad day. Or week. Or whatever.

I may be drifting in a floaty, idealistic little universe most of the time, but at least I know how to deal with the real world when I need to. And if I make a decision to do something, most of the time I stick to it. If people can’t even trouble thenselves to do the itsy bitsylittle things that make the big picture happen, then I guess its not worth my time or theirs or anyone else’s. I’m not going to mention names because I think most people who read this know one another, but get this straight if you know who you are (and i think you do).

Depressing, depressing, and more depressing. On a brighter note, It’s finally starting to feel like Christmas now. We’ve got a little Christmas tree at home…really little, like shorter than me…a short fat little dwarf of a tree. See, my tree comes in 3 sections that are supposed to stick together, but somehow the bottom one couldn’t fit in the one on top of it, so we ended up improvising and using just the top two bits to construct a little, squat shrub looking thing. It so funny, like a little kid playing dress up. Also string little purple lights around the house, so yeah, I’m feeling wisps of eu de Christmas wafting around me now. That’s a nice feeling.
Cheers you all, and have a wonderful Christmas. You deserve it.

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Thursday, December 16, 2004

I don’t know whether I have too many things to do with my time, or not enough.
I don’t know about anyone else, but now that I have finally reached that blissful point in time when I can sincerely say that I can do whatever i want I find that, strangely, there’s nothing really that I want to do.

And in addition to that, I feel like I’m not doing anything.

Its not like I don’t have stuff to do…I have people I’ve been wanting to meet, Christmas shopping, Christmas card writing, a huge, messy room to clean, several jobhunting dates, etc etc etc.

But all the stuff I have to do is, like, do-able and then finish-able. They’re things that you just do, and then stop doing after a while. In other words, they’re definitely not enough to sustain me through minimum 6 months of free-ness.

See the irony here? For the past 2 years I’ve whined about nothing but the utter lack of time I have to myself. Now that I have that time, what do I do?

I’ll answer: I’m doing all I can to fill it up.

And I’m not filling it up with the sort of thing I thought I would. Pre-end of A levels, we’d sit around and compile lists of the things we would do during the long break. Mine included such entries as: Learn French or Italian. Learn driving. Learn photography. Volunteer at someplace. And so forth.

The horrible thing is I don’t feel I have the sort of energy a person needs to get through any of the abovementioned, long term things. I think I’m getting stupid; my brain refuses stick itself to any single activity for anything surpassing half an hour. Now its getting uncomfortably tiring to do the kind of things i used to enjoy. Like blogging. Ir writing letters. Or even reading to some extent.

Is this the revenge of a resentful brain in response to 2(or 6 or 10) years of overwork and neglect? Maybe all round Singapore 18 year old brains are conversing with one another, concocting an evil plan to go on strike and pay back their unappreciative owners.

Or do I just need a sort of transitional period, so to speak? Then why do I feel this compulsive need to fill up the time I have with stuff? It feels discomfiting having nothing to do.

And I’m freaking out about not getting a scholarship. I kind of think I had the best shot at the SPH, and since I didn’t get that I guess I have to get used to the idea of studying here back home.

Ouch.

You know, I really really wanted to go to UK. Still I guess maybe I shouldn’t slam NUS without actually having studied there or anything. But still. still.

Enough said. Gotta sleep before I carol

Ps: Amusing factoid- Zenon's caption for the pic I took with him at grad night? Lynnette, wife of CEO.
HAHA I WISH.

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Tuesday, December 14, 2004

ok world..i have finally succumbed to the charms of digital cameras, online photo journals and yes, shameless exhibitionism. I used to be super anti posting up pictures of oneself on the net for all and sundry to see. (I think it was because i didn't have access to a digicam. Well now i do. at least for the moment)

Anyway, here it is...link to my grad night pictures. click http://www.imagestation.com/album/pictures.html?id=2134155894

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Monday, December 13, 2004

I'm still not back into blogging mode, am I?

First thing's first, i finally got my grad pictures back from haider(a person who haides is a haider and i will attempt to post them up on some site soon. So yay, have that to look forward to.

A bit more on grad: It pretty much sucked, actually. Ritz Carlton is very very overrated. The food is superbly not good, and comes in itty bitty, negligible portions. Which is good, in a way...hardly anyone at my table fininshed any of the courses.

Strangely i didn't have any sudden bursts of emotion or nostalgia or anything. I just felt pretty much detached from everyth9ng and almost everyone. I mean, it was fun in a very understated, sit around and talk to friends way. But it wasn't fun the way tk's grad was, the lousy venue and all notwhithstanding. I guess grad night was pretty much the essence of what life in tj the past two years was like: Pretty ok, not fantastically memorable, occasionally interesting, but on the whole not something worth reliving.

Also at a pretty low point in my life now. Oh, haha, I had this image of life as a sine curve, you know, 1,negative 1 and o...and right now I'm a sine 270. I think. negative 1. or getting negative without actually reaching a turning point. I'm hoping its just the weekend. Which on the whole, wasn't fantastic.

I didn't get my sph (weep weep sob) suppose i stuffed up my interview. I have a sneaky suspicion it has something to do with how i do not make conscious efforts to read the freakin newspapers everyday. Or maybe I just shot off my mouth and over-rambled as usual. Vas thinks me not getting the scholarship is just another indicator of their lousy taste, seeing as she didn't get it either. ( yes, thats definitely it!). and kaishi, funny gal, tells me that that's it not my fault that sph has no money (blame it on the merger).

Oh nice people :) made me feel way better. But still, its not a nice thing to be thining about over the week end. Along with everything else.

On top of everything I managed to lose a silver and bracelet belonging to my mother. It's expensive, and she's super attached to it and as a result she's furipus with me and is currently refusing to talk to me. I'm so sorry :( I'm gonna try and get another one. Not easy considering I have no idea where she got it from. And I'm broke. And all.

Oh gosh. This post is whiny. But I have to unload everything somewhere. So here it is and I promise my next post will be back to normal sunshineyness again.

I'm going carolling next wednesday. In a white shirt, jeans, and a very floppy christmas hat. A bright red santarina looking hat with white fur and a bunch of pompoms dangling.. Now that's a thought that should make you smile. Or giggle. Or explode in a fit of hysterical laughter. Or whatever.

ciao

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Sunday, December 05, 2004

hey hey hey world miss me did you?

I haven't been blogging. Now that's obvious...partly cos i've been busy with my A's up till the end of november, and also because my computer's becoming increasingly erratic in its functioning...i can never tell when its gonna start hanging and all..and that kinda pulls a wet blanket over the spontaneous-ness of blogging.

My grad night's on monday *beam* and i'm super hyped up. Then on the 8th i have an interview at sph. Yes, dear world, they finally did call me back and woohoo, interview. Keeping my fingers crossed and all...pray hard for me.

Nothing much happening actually...well, I'm not in a very bloggable mode after the month long hiatus, but i guess I'll have to start somewhere. PLus these days i'm finding it really hard to get to sleep...for instance last night i woke up at like, 2 hour intervals. And also i've taken to carrying around a little black notebook where i scribble down stuff...infinitely more conducive to spontaneous eruptions of literary surges.

I also spent an hour prowling through hmv and made a really really long list of cds i want. if you're *wink* interested keep your eyes on the sideboard. hey, did someone say merry christmas?

anyway, thanks to all for sticking with me through the whole prelims/ Alevels shittiness and whatever else that's been happening. I also promise to blag more often. And to the blogsurfers who've been laning on my blog and leaving me nice tags, hi ya'all, its nice to see you, really it is..keep reading :)

cheers and sheesh, i wish i could get to sleep!

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PROFILE

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lynnette is trying, once again, to ressurect her blog

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