Thursday, January 20, 2005
This post would broadly refer to two people, who i would suppose are the dearest friends i have and whom at one point or another made up huge parts of my life.
Note the past tense. Because it gets depressingly lonely when both these people are so fucking far off and far away and basically inaccessible. I was reading one of their blogs recently and it suddenly occurred to me how out of touch i was with almost every aspect of her life. She has a whole complete new life where she is and somehow i feel unceremoniously betrayed. Its not like i have a right to feel like that, of course I don’t, but that’s the closest approximation I have to describe how I feel
It’s a combination of the following: the sense that I don’t know her anymore, and more, that i don’t agree with a lot of the things she says or thinks, but I’m too distant from her life for my words to have any bearing on what she does. Also I somehow feel myself losing respect for her, which surprises me because I’ve always thought she had the sort if character i admired. And also, she sounds just so freaking happy somehow that i almost resent her for it. Not very nice, lynnette, but I do. Because pissed off as she is at her life (amd i think she has a reason to be, but not the the degree she drags it out to) she seems to have found something that i haven’t and i can’t find.
Maybe you can out it down to pure, i dunno, insane jealousy? It is inevitable that we drift apart, but at least she’s drifting towards somewhere and someone, while i am just…plain drifting.
Don’t get me wrong darling people, i’m not such a turd that i would rather rejoice in the unhappiness of my best friend than share in whatever she has that makes her happy. But the happiness of another somehow magnifies the fact that i am, well, not as happy as I would like to be.
Something Timothy said that sort of stuck to me was that in order to bring happiness to another, one has to be to a certain degree, happy as a person. Otherwise everyone involved will just get sucked down into an endless vacuum of misery and depression, with the end result being everything a relationship
isn’t supposed to be.
The second of my two friends in question…Well Phoebe and i once came up with a sort of pictorial metaphor for how we functioned. Imagine a guy drowning in quicksand hanging onto a bunch of helium balloons. He’s the only thing that’s keeping them balloons from drifting off into space; the balloons are the only things that keep him from going down completely. And this is the sort of knife edge we balance on; the miracle of balance is followed on its heels by the ever present threat of collapse. And I feel it falling apart, somehow.
And right now it feels like everything that’s anchoring me in place just isn’t, and i’m not quite sure what to do with this hollow shadow of myself. I’ve always needed to have someone around to keep me sane. Not necessarily a lot of people, in fact more often than not its just an individual. or two. But right now I’m faced with the horrifying prospect of having
absolutely no one , or rather, as Anne Frank describes, the horror of ” not being the one and only to anyone .”
and I never felt alone until I met you sang third eye blind, and truly, what is worse? To be so constantly alone that you cease to notice that you are lonely? Or to have loneliness spring at you like a ghost in the dark, and finding that you are not sufficiently equipped to deal with it?
My reaction to all this has been to turn icy and cold towards the people who matter the most. I think, sub consciously, it’s a reaction designed to provoke in them the same sort of pain that’s scratching at me from within. It’s a lousy way to respond and no one will gain anything, that’s for certain. But I can’t help myself because it just fucking hurts so much i can’t get past that and into rational thought.
It’s difficult right now to recognize myself in the girl who can’t get through a day without hiding herself in a room, wracked with sobs. Sometimes in the middle of the day I get waves of hopelessness so scary I have to run somewhere where I won’t have to face anyone. The thing is that most of the time I’m perfectly alright, as in, I don’t even feel like anything’s wrong. But when these dark moods descend on me I’m just not capable of dragging myself out.
I don’t know what my fucking problem is.
Or rather, I think I do, but when there isn’t a foreseeable way of resolving it, its just as well that I don’t.
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