Wednesday, March 23, 2005
What can I say? No matter how you try to avoid it, life
will throw you bits of unexpectedness, little electric jolt situations that force you out of comfort zone bliss and into the not-so-comfortable world of real decision making.
Sometimes you just have to get up, get out and make a serious effort to do something other than just drift along and pray that fate or the powers that be will hand you a long and happy life nicely cut out and garnished on a silver platter.
I am, and always have been, an optimist and an idealist. I have not yet managed to give up the naïve belief that the world at large is a beautiful and infinitely forgiving place and that no matter what,
everything’s gonna be okay. And I guess I’ve been under the impression that I can do absolutely anything without having to live with any form of unpleasant consequence.
And that’s still true. I’m lucky. Hello, this is the girl who managed to lose her wallet 16 times in 2 years, and 15 out of the 16 nicely contrived to get it back with not too much difficulty.
What I figured out now, then, is that just because I have a happy, devil may care attitude towards all things that (to me) bear less than cosmic significance doesn’t mean everyone else around me does. And while I may drift through most of life in an untouchable little bubble, there are still certain lines that I can’t cross, certain rules aside from those I set for myself that have to be taken into account somehow.
(I’ve known this all along but it never seemed significant until recently)
And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Words go easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love no glory
No hero in her sky
* * * * *
I can’t take my eyes off you
~Damien Rice, The Blower’s Daughter And all I want to say right now is I can’t give this up, not right now, and not this way. Please understand that its hard to do the right thing all the time, that its sometimes hard to even figure out what the right thing to do is.
There's no way I can avoid regretting at least some part of this whole messy thing, so I won't try. My best, (and still highly unconvincing) argument to myself is horribly cliche and goes
everything happens for a reason and I guess its true in a horribly cliche way.
I'll leave it at that
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