Monday, April 19, 2004
thanks everyone out there who’s been so nice about my stressed out-ness and going crazy-ness these days. i think i must have sounded pretty far out. have to apologize..lately i’ve had a billion things to do, plus i’ve been semi-sick, plus somehow i’ve been worrying a lot.. too much.. about a lot of little, unnecessary things, things that wouldn’t even bother me on a normal day. When that happens i tend to go impulsive, yeah, my impulses come straight out from my gut and somehow bypass my brain. And yeah, its been terrible.
think what i need is clarity, and somehow, miraculously, clarity arrived late last night
basically, on one of those impossible, insomniac nights, staring at the shadows whisking about the ceiling, listening to matchbox 20
i love “hang”, it’s always been a favourite, i love the bittersweetness in the lyrics, the way the song sort of echoes long after its finished. its one of those songs that make me ache for something…else, for lack of a better word. One of those songs that’s somehow about the beauty..and futility of life and love.
And we always say
That it would be good to go away someday
But if theres nothing here to make things change
if it’s the same for you
I’ll just hang
So there i was, listening to the last strains of Hang fade from the stereo..something just made me get up and look out of the window.
And its strange, somehow. There’s something strange and ethereal about the view from a window at one in the morning. Maybe it was the silence, or the stillness, or the way the only light came from the streetlamps and the long, darting shadows on the ground that didn’t seem to come from anywhere. But all in all, it was quiet, and calm, and smoky, somehow, and for a while, just standing there, i felt like i was the only person left in the world.
I don’t know how you explain it, its like, you feel like you’re a part of everything and you’re so at peace with the world, and yet, you’re somehow hyper aware of yourself standing there, alone.
Then it hit me, it wasn’t me standing there alone, it ws me and God. Somehow.
some things just didn’t seem so important anymore after that. there’s this incredible sense of peace that comes after realizing that there IS, in fact, God. It was like, there ws just this sense that i could quit worrying and being stressed out and insane and everything, basically cos i could leave all that in the hands of God. And i think i did, somehow. And then it just came clear. I might not always have the strength to deal with the crappiness of everyday life, but i could always commit it to God. And that’s something worth knowing.
can’t quite put it in words, and i don’t think this is strictly defined as a
religious experience of any sort..but it’s gonna stick with me for a while yet. And for once,let me say…
We are all truly blessed.
and theres nothing here to ease this ache
and there’s nothing here to make things change
and if it’s the same for you
i’ll just hang
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